stars

ten

i fell for her, slowly but surely. i fell for her happiness, how cheerful she always was, her positivity, her determination and how amazing she could look in a simple black sundress.

it was a blessing, how i slowly started to find happiness, how i started smiling more and more each day, how i went a whole week without nightmares about him — 

and one evening, i realised it was a curse.

because it wasn't just the noticeable, personable things about her that i adored. i did adore them, but they were nothing in comparison to all the tiny things she did — the humming, how she stuck her tongue out when she concentrated, and her nickname for him — that made me think of him. and as soon as i realised that, it didn't take long for me to see that as much as i liked her for her, i only loved the parts of her that made me think of the boy who i'd been trying to get over for months now. 

after that, he came back. 

all i could do was question myself, ask myself if it was really okay, that that i was doing. if i was only getting involved with her because she reminded me of tooru. i started panicking, slowly started distancing myself, trying to find a moment to myself without anxiety. i couldn't seem to. 

it was two months in when the nightmares came back.

i woke up from a nap, sweating and screaming and sobbing all at once. he was there — he was everywhere. images of him struggling, images of him falling to the ground, and images of him, lifeless. it was probably the most horrific one yet. and after weeks without one, i was full-on freaking out, feeling my throat close up as i tried to breathe through my dizziness. 

that's when the door opened. "i'm ba—oh my god, hajime!" she exclaimed, running over to me.

i don't remember much of what happened until i calmed down, finally, and i was just crying softly. she was too. 

"i'm sorry," i whispered, "asuka, i can't..."

"can't what?"

"it's him. it's that he's like you, and i... i don't want to lie to you."

"is it only that?" she asked softly, pulling away from the hug, looking at me with hope in her eyes.

"no, no... it's you. it's just... it's also him. and i don't want to lead you on because i'm clinging on to hopeless memories."

she smiled at me. "but hajime, that's just a type. you know i'm not him, and that i can't be. and this may sound crazy, but for you... i'm quite okay with that."

"you are? because, i do. i still love him. but i know he's not you."

"i know you do. and i can't stop you. but i love you, and i hope you'll allow me to."

"you love me?"

"yeah. is that okay?"

"yeah," i laughed softly, surprised, "that's more than okay. i like that."

"good," she chuckled, hugging me again, "i'm glad. you'll be okay, hajime."