stars

nine

there was something about her that...

i couldn't really describe.

well, couldn't is the right word indeed — i can now perfectly tell you what exactly it was about her that i previously couldn't describe. i know exactly what it was about her that put a genuine, peaceful, content smile on my face for the first time since before he passed away.

it happened one afternoon. she was sitting on the couch with me, netflix playing on my laptop. we'd been watching shows together for a while now, sitting next to each other, both a little too close for comfort — or maybe, too far apart; not comfortable enough. it was a routine. we ignored the obvious traces of attraction and instead chose to silently preserve whatever the energy and chemistry between us was. 

because i was still mourning, all progress put aside. and she knew that.

 "hey, iwa-chan," she said, looking at me, "how about i..." 

my face caused her silence. i sat there, in pure shock, frozen, for a full minute, before i started choking on a sob, before i started full-out bawling, crying, and letting myself. i usually only cried because of the nightmares — i was the type to sit silently, staring into the distance. but now, it didn't stay inside, and i cried, sobbed, bawled, even as she wrapped her arms around me. her surprise was still evident. she ignored it.

after about ten minutes i was finally starting to breathe properly, and she gave me the space to do so, sitting there silently, eyes eager as she looked at me, urging me to say something, anything.

"i'm sorry," i breathed, trying to regain control over myself, "it's, uhm... you're the first one to call me that. well, the second. the first one since him."

"oh," she said quietly, "i'm sorry, i..."

"i get it now." i looked at her, tear-stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes, "i get what it is about you. i finally understand what it is about you that gets me out of bed with more energy than before, what makes me smile around you, and trust me, i've been trying to smile."

"iwa-ch... iwaizumi..."

"you remind me of him. it's subtle, in the way you speak and move and laugh," i whispered, "you're not him. far from. but you... you give me a sense of comfort just by being."

"what're you..."

"does that bother you?"

she shook her head slowly, eyes locked with mine, "no, not really. i'm... honoured. i guess?"

"good," i nodded slowly, my mind racing — what was i thinking, what is she thinking, what would he think of this, and as my eyes flickered to her lips and back, and as she looked at me hopefully, what was i doing, why was i doing it, and —

i stopped thinking, i leaned forwards and i kissed her. 

it lasted for a millisecond, and it lasted for eternity; it lasted for as long as it had to and it ended way too soon. but when she looked up at me, face close to mine, all i could see were those big doe eyes that seemed so much like those that had captured me before, and i felt safe, happy and loved.