Papilio Effectus (Until Dawn Josh X Reader)

Chapter 7: Take It All Back

(A/N: I wanted to do a bit more serious, bringing Josh's mental state down again to relapse. He went through so much losing his sisters, the thought of losing you/(Y/n) would take him back to the mindset he had.

Warning: Suicidal thoughts and actions, angst, illness)

~~~Your POV~~~

    I turned up the volume on the stereo in Josh's Jeep when Fall Out Boy's "Centuries" came on the radio. I loved that song. We were headed to dinner to celebrate our six-month anniversary. As cheesy as it sounded, he made a point to make these kind of things special. Honestly I'd have been content to cook dinner at home. That having been said, I still loved being spoiled by Josh.

    I wiggled in my seat and sang along to the music. Josh looked at me and laughed. "You keep that up, we won't make it to the restaurant, (Y/n)."

    In the split second he looked away, he didn't see the other car fly through the red light.

~~~Josh's POV~~~

    I woke up in a hospital bed. My parents stood next to me, concerned. I looked around and felt a sharp pain in my neck. My mom reached for me.

    "Josh, honey, you need to stay still. You got hurt pretty badly."

    Suddenly, my heart stopped and raced all at once. I started to panic. "Where's (Y/n)?"

    My dad looked at my mom and sighed. "We're not sure. She got thrown from the Jeep and well, she got it far worse than you."

    I wanted to jump out of the bed and run to her. It was my fault she was hurt. I looked away for a second, and now...

    Chris came into the hospital room, breathless. "Sorry, man, I made it as soon as I could. What the hell happened?"

    "I don't know, but I need to know (Y/n) is okay...have you seen her?"

    "Ash is waiting for word on her. She got pretty jacked up."

    Before Chris could say any more, Ashley walked in. My parents patted my shoulder and left us to talk. I was still frantic. "Ashley...is (Y/n) ok?"

    Ash shook her head. "She's alive, but unconscious. She had a lot of bleeding and needed several surgeries...but they say she'll be fine. What about you? Are you alright, Josh?"

    I looked and felt over myself for a moment. There was a bandage on my head, some heavy bruising on my arms and legs, and a bandage on my side. "It looks like I'm gonna live, if not with a few interesting scars." I tried to be light-hearted, but deep down I was overwhelmed with guilt. "Can I get out of this bed any time soon? I need my girl."

    Chris shook his head. "You had some pretty nasty cuts and bruises and the doc says another day or so...as far as (Y/n) goes, she'll be stuck here a bit longer. I'm sorry Cochise."

    I nodded reluctantly, then looked up at the couple. "Can I get some time alone, please?"

    Ashley nodded and pulled Chris out by the arm. "We're here for you, Josh. We'll be just outside." I sort of waved them off then buried my head in my hands, unable to control the tears any longer.

    I was allowed to go home two days later, but (Y/n) was left in intensive care, due to the extent of her concussion, and was unconscious.

    All I could do as I sat by her bed, watching her shallow breathing and listening to the constant beeping of monitors, was blame myself for her condition. The doctors and nurses appeared sporadically, mainly to check her vitals and make sure I didn't need anything. I did need something. (Y/n), in my arms, smiling and laughing and doing all of those little things that made me a good kind of crazy.

    I sat next to her bed for three days. I could barely eat, didn't sleep, only left when Chris insisted that I smelled awful and needed to bathe or (Y/n) would probably dump my ass upon awakening.

    While her body was fighting to heal, I was fighting to keep my sanity. I let the hot water in my shower try and carry my guilt away, but nothing was helping. The voices in my head started to come back, for the first time in months.

    'This is all your fault, Josh.'

    'You couldn't save your sisters, and now you almost killed (Y/n)...pathetic.'

    'This is what you deserve...'

    The voices took the forms of everyone I'd let down. Beth. Hannah. My parents. My friends. The cacophony of voices drummed into my head.

    The one that drilled into me the hardest was hers.

    'You fucking psycho. You wanted to hurt our friends...so I took one for the team. I'm only with you to keep you from trying to hurt them. We both know I could do better than a spoiled nutjob like you.'

    I grabbed my head, crying. "No...no you told me you love me. You told me I was the match to your crazy."

    'I guess you're not the only good actor of the group, Joshua.'

    I slammed my fists against the shower wall. The pain, the guilt, the doubt...it overtook me. I could see their faces in my mind. It was just like after the twins' disappearance. I'd finally managed to get the voices under control without my meds, then this happened. I couldn't bear it anymore.

    Turning off the shower, I stepped out without bothering to grab a towel. The bottles of my meds were in the cabinet.

    Just a few.

    Just to make the voices stop.

    Beth. Hannah. (Y/n). I let you down. I am the worst big brother. The worst boyfriend.

    I didn't count the pills. Just dumped a bunch in my hand and took them down, chasing them with water from the sink.

    Now to wait for them to shut the voices up. To shut everything up.

    I sat with my back to the wall, crying. Make it stop.

    I heard a knock at my door. "Hey, Josh?" It was Sam. I wasn't answering the door. She knocked again. "Josh, if you don't open this door I'm busting it open."

    I still didn't respond.

    "Ok, Joshua, I warned you." One, two, three times she threw her tiny body at the door before it finally gave and the lock broke off to let her in. When she saw me on the floor, she looked panicked. "Shit, Josh, what are you doing?" She opened the shower door and stuck my head in, then shoved her finger in my throat. I hated that she knew how to handle when I did this. "Dammit, Josh." I puked into the shower. I watched my mental salvation slide down the drain.

    Once she rinsed my head and draped the towel over me, I swatted her away from me.

    "STOP IT! What the hell are you doing? I can't take this anymore!" I broke down, crying into my knees.

    "What is the matter, Josh?"

    I wanted to scream. "I failed again. (Y/n) is fucking comatose because of me."

    Sam gave me a small smile. "Actually, Josh, I was coming to tell you that she just woke up."

    I looked up at her, my eyes swollen from crying and my throat hurt from expelling the meds. "It doesn't matter. I failed her...like I failed my sisters."

    Sam sighed and sat on the floor next to me. "You know that could have happened to anyone. I heard from your parents that the guy that hit you was on his cell and didn't even realize he was going through the red light. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it."

    I put my head in my hands. "I just...I can't lose her..."

    I felt her hand on my shoulder. "I don't think you could if you wanted. She started asking for you the moment she came to. Now, can we get you cleaned up and go see (Y/n) before she has a coronary?" Standing up, she held a hand out to help me up. I took it, then wrapped the towel around my waist and went to my room to dress. "Let's go, Prince Charming, let's get Sleeping Beauty."