Lost In Time: A Doctor Who Fanfiction

Chapter 40 - Paying the Price

Lyssa closed her eyes, heart breaking at the pain - at the desperate hope - in his voice. "No. You're not," she promised him, holding him a little tighter. "I'm sorry I couldn't be here before. But I'm here now." 

Keeping one arm wrapped firmly around him, she used the other to gently rub his back, trying to offer him some form of comfort. It seemed too little in the face of such overwhelming grief, but he leaned into her touch like she was the only thing holding him together. Eventually his sobs began to taper off, and they sat there together in the console room in a silence broken only by his ragged breaths. 

She glanced up at the console, wishing the TARDIS could take them somewhere to fix his pain, or even give her a hint on what to do next. She'd never experienced a loss this profound - even after losing her father, she'd still had other family and friends who'd helped her shoulder the burden as she adjusted. He still had the TARDIS - his true home - but home could be a lonely place if there was no one there to fill it. He'd lost everyone, and everything, all at once. 

Or at least he thought he had. 

But she couldn't tell him. So much of what he'd done had come about as a result of what he believed - that he was the last, that Gallifrey was gone. As horrible as it was, it had shaped who he had become for centuries. She couldn't rewrite Time like that - not to that extent, not without knowing how it would affect him. 

But she could bear to just leave him like that, either. 

"Doctor?" she started hesitantly, shifting slightly to try and get a look at his face.

He flinched. "Don't call me that. Please," he whispered, voice breaking on the last word. He pulled away slightly, just enough that he had room to look up at her with a pleading expression. "I - I can't," he shook his head, eyes filling with fresh tears. "I don't deserve it. Not anymore."

They'd have to agree to disagree on that, but... later. Determined not to let him get lost again, she dropped her hand down, curling her fingers around his and forcing herself not to react to the blazing heat that sparked at her touch. "Then what should I call you?" she asked patiently, keeping her face open and non-judgmental. 

He shook his head, the movement so slight it was almost lost. "I don't know," he shrugged helplessly. "I don't even know who I am anymore. I lost everythin' in the war. Includin' myself."

Lyssa blinked back tears, but forced a smile. "Well, then, it's a good thing that I used to be quite good at Hide and Seek, now, isn't it? And I must warn you," she said lightly, "I don't give up. Used to drive all the other kids nuts, because I'd refuse to give up until I found everyone."

He didn't smile - she was afraid she wouldn't see one of his bright smiles for a very long time - just met her gaze with a near hopeless look. "Maybe some things were meant to stay lost," he muttered, drawing in a shuddering breath. "Maybe it's better that way. Maybe it was somethin' terrible that was lost, and should never be found again."

She returned his gaze steadily. "And maybe it was something brilliant, and beautiful, and amazing, and good. Not lost, just... hiding. Something so brilliant, and bright, and noble that it couldn't bear the darkness of the universe and hid itself, waiting for the darkness to pass."

"What if it was the darkness?" he countered, hopeless misery filling his face. "Something that chose to do a horrible deed, so terrible that even the darkness hated itself?" 

"And what if it wasn't?" she returned, refusing to judge him like he feared, like he expected. "What if it was a man - a good man - who was forced to pick the only option that had been left to him? Who only saw one way to stop the madness and slaughter of innocents -"