Who Would Have Guessed?(Austlan Cashby)

Letting Loose - Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fourteen

Austin’s P.O.V.

*1 Week Later*

 

Numb. That was the only proper way to describe the feeling inside of me. In times like that, I wished that all feeling was eradicated, and we were reduced to sameness. The feeling that welled up inside me, or lack of feeling, was the worst in the world. All I ever wanted to do was cry, but the ability to cry was stripped from me. The only skill I possessed was the skill to sit and think about how much I wanted to cry, but not be able to cry. At that moment I felt like the only person to: a) feel like I’m crying, but b) not be crying.

 

I felt so broken down, and destroyed. I was so incredibly damaged that I had lost the ability to feel. It had been a week. Alan had made no attempt to contact me, ask for an apology, give me an apology, or even make sure I’m okay. I tried calling him various times but he never picked up. It went to his cute little voicemail everytime. I remembered when he had recorded that voicemail. We were on tour when he got his new phone, and one of the first things he did was make the short end message. He stupidly recorded it on the bus, and it had all of us in the background yelling. It was probably one of my favorite tour memories.

 

Thinking about Alan only made the pain worse. Describing how I felt was a tough subject. I felt numb, but there was pain. Maybe the correct thing to call it was hollow, or empty. None the less it was horrible. All I had done since Alan left was mope around my house. I ate like a bird, slept at unholy hours, and watched TV. Depression was slowly creeping up on me, and I had not a clue on how to deal with it. I was too scared to call Aaron, because I knew Alan was staying with him. As far as Tino and Phil went, I didn’t want to ruin their relationship, the way that I ruined mine and Alan’s.

 

I desperately needed help. Someone to support me, and bring me out of this. Alan was the only one who had ever been able to do that, and now he wasn’t there. I was alone.

 

Alan’s P.O.V.

 

“Ready to go out tonight and meet some ladies?” Aaron wiggled his eyebrows, and effectively made me uncomfortable. “Yeah, sure.” I replied awkwardly. I wasn’t 100% ready to go to a club, but I planned to go and give Aaron moral support. It was the least I could do, since he’d been housing me for a week. After the whole Austin situation, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go back to dating guys. I had dated Austin for a whole three days, and it was an amazing experience at first, but quickly dissipated into something horrible.

 

I was considering calling Stephanie, and trying to get back with her. I really liked her, minus the fact she tried to get me to leave the band, but I really did like her. “Alan?” Aaron’s voice penetrated my thoughts. “Hmm?” I violently shook my head. “Lets go.” he pointed to the door, and walked towards it. I hesitantly followed him, weary of what was about to happen. I didn’t actually have to hook up with anyone, unless I really wanted to. I was worried about getting drunk, and doing something stupid. I was used to having Austin there to help out, and fix things. To be the responsible one.

 

No, I thought to myself, you can’t go back to Austin. He is your last concern. I shook any thought of him, and walked with Aaron to his car. Maybe going out and doing stuff would help me figure out where I was in the world. Whether I needed to go back to Stephanie or not. I didn’t even know how to label myself. Gay? Straight? Bi? I was confused. I had only ever dated one girl, whom of which was Stephanie, and that didn’t go well. On the other hand, the only relationship I’d been in with a guy ended very abruptly, but it was nice until the last hour or so. I hated labels, especially when I didn’t know how to label myself.