365 Days

Day 200

April Fools day. What a fucking day. Pretty hard to enjoy all the jokes and laughter when your life is the apitemy of a joke itself. I've got a fucked up relationship, fucked up friends and my head is even fucked up. So I honestly dont need to be reminded with a day to celebrate myself, the walking, talking joke of the world.

I haven't spoken to Luke since that night. The night I truly wish was a joke. Yes, I denied it and yes, I said things that I didn't mean all because my insecurities were lay out flat before me. But I would be lying if I didn't say there was a part of me that believed Luke, that believed what Elizabeth confessed too.

But why did she suddenly have the desire to come clean? If it was so long ago, and no one knew. Even in a house full of people, no one saw them. So why come clean now? Why come clean at all? I don't trust a single thing that girl does, if it had come from anyone else I would have believed them straight away, or at least asked around about it to find out the truth. But because this was Elizabeth we were talking about, I couldn't even entertain the idea of Paul cheating on me, with HER! It's too cliché. Controlling boyfriend, cheating on current girlfriend with her worst enemy? I mean, come on. What kind of fucking story are we living in?

So now i'm sat here, in Pauls bedroom, as if I haven't got a care in the world. I haven't brought up what Luke said? And obviously neither has Luke, otherwise Paul would most definitely have something to say about it. I tend to get upset easily when it comes to Paul, he says that it makes him feel guilty when I get upset during an argument, makes him feel like he has to apologise. I don't mean to get upset, it just happens. But either way, I don't want to make Paul angry so any chance to avoid conflict is a plus. There is no need to bring this up, because its just going to cause unnecessary drama.

Paul was downstairs making us some tea when my phone buzzes. Unknown number. It's a screenshot of text messages, from Pauls number.

'Why the fuck did you tell Luke? Do you even know what would happen if Paige was to find out?'

'Well maybe you should have thought about that before you decide not to text me back!'

'I can't talk to you 24/7. Half the time I'm with Paige anyway, she'll start to get suspicious'

'Why don't you just end shit with her? You won't miss her anyway once you have me.'

'I can't do that to her. I love her. Plus, if people were to find out that would completely ruin my reputation. I've managed to get Paige to do anything I want, do you know how long it took to get her to that point.'

'Wow! You really do love her if you're willing to cheat on her, and manipulate her'

'Love works in mysterious ways'

'You're still coming over later right?'

'Sure thing baby, wouldn't miss it for the world'

I felt sick. No I felt dead. There's no denying it now. It's true. It was all true. Luke was right. Elizabeth was telling the truth. Paul..That Motherfu..

'Hey baby, here's your tea' he put the mug down next to me but all I could do was stare at him. I can't do this now.

'I'm sorry, I have to go' and before he could reply I was out the door. Once I got outside, I felt like I could breath again. I wanted to cry but what good would that do? I wanted to scream but again, what good would that do?

Then something hits me. I'm not upset about the fact that Paul cheated on me, at all. I know this sounds strange but I'm more angry at the fact I was made a complete fool out of, and the fact that I was literally that stupid to deny it in the first place. He made an idiot out of me and I let him, I let him manipulate me, I let him treat me however he wanted, and why? All because I thought I was in love with him? This has proven to me that I am not/nor was I ever in love with him. I was in love with the idea of being in love, I wanted to be in love so bad that I actually convinced myself that I was.

Finding love at such a young age meant that I would have the rest of my life to enjoy the benefits of it. I had no other worries in the world. We had kids names, where we were going to live, our pets names, all of that planned out together and that's what breaks my heart more, losing all of that, not him. I was naïve and immature to even believe for a minute that this ball bag of a man is the person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Which makes me realise, I used Lukes fear of being alone against him. I made it seem like being on his own was something that he should be afraid of. But maybe I'm a bit afraid of it as well, maybe that's what I need most right now. Some time alone, to help me clear my head and figure out the kind of life I want to lead, and who I want stood by my side through the rest of it.