365 Days

Day 312

I wake up the next morning feeling more refreshed than I actually deserve. I couldn't even look Paul in the eyes after what happened with me and Luke outside. It's fucking New Years all over again. I almost let him kiss me, no. I almost kissed him, and he was going to let me do it!

Paul didn't seem any different when we came back to the group. Thank God. We carried on the night and nothing else dramatic seemed to happen for the rest of the evening. Safe to say I was pretty drunk, but I had a good time.

I can't stop thinking about it. The way his lips looked when he told me he was in love with me. The way his eyes never left mine, or my lips whilst we were speaking. The way he smelt when we leaned in right next to each other. And just being that close to him altogether, it was everything I had ever dreamed off and it is keeping a permanent smile on my face, despite my slight hangover.

Our relationship has been so confusing these past few months. We've gone from enemies, to friends, to best friends, to nothing, back to friends and now we are pretty much out of the friendzone but not even close to the relationship zone. How does this even work?

I have tried to deny it, being in love with him. I have tried to say that Paul is good for me but the truth is, I have settled. I have settled for what is easiest at the time, which is an awful thing to do. I can't even explain what is going on in my head. If someone was to put Luke and Paul in front of me, there would be no doubt who I would choose, but there are so many obstacles in the way of that person. A possessive boyfriend, a possessive girlfriend, and the biggest of all, a baby.

Luke could have been saying things last night because he had had a drink, plus he has all of the stress of the new baby on the way. He is about to become a father and am I really willing to break up a family, I know he isn't, he is taking responsibility. He probably regrets even saying anything to me.

Just as my thoughts were about to get the better of me, my phone beeps. I pick it up expecting it to be embarrassing photos from last night, but what is there makes my smile stretch beyond belief.

'I dont regret a single thing I said last night' My fingers work quickly, almost punching a hole through my screen.

'Neither do I' This is so wrong. But it feels so damn right.