The Story of Jung Dahee [EXO]

Entry # 15: September 05, 2012

ENTRY# 15

“Love hurts, if rejected or betrayed. If not at all, then love is all around.” 

― Toba Beta, Betelgeuse Incident

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September 05, 2012

Dear Diary,

Today's my birthday, and it's not really a surprise that I'm not excited and all. In fact, I feel like I should just bury myself in my bed for today. Why? Well, it's all because of my stupid feelings again. Sigh. A few weeks have passed and nothing really changed, still the usual. Lay, Tao and Kris frequently hangs out with Yoona and Jessica's gang, much to my dismay. Lay and I haven't really hang out these days. We rarely even talk. Sometimes, I can't help but feel like he's gradually moving away from me. As much as I want to blame Jessica, well I just can't. She has done nothing wrong so far, and even though she acts like a spoiled brat diva all the time, she wasn't at fault, as well as Lay. I guess it all goes down on me. I'm the one moping myself up here. I'm the one getting stressed over the fact that my best friend slash love-interest rarely talks to me. It's all on me. Basically, I'm the one to blame. But what can I do? The damage is done, and being the shy and reserved person I am, I cannot confront anyone nor confide with anyone with regards to what I'm bottling up inside me. It sucks. And I'm gradually losing myself here.

Love, Jung Dahee

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SCENARIO:

I bolted my body up on the bed in a sitting position and squinted my eyes at my phone. A few minutes passed by and I started to stare blankly at my phone, repeatedly reading my mom's message over and over again. She greeted me a happy birthday, much to my surprise. I didn't even remember that today's my birthday. She told me to go out with my friends and to have a good time, but seriously, I don't feel like it. I glanced at the time indicated on my phone as saw that I had 30 minutes before classes start. I rolled my eyes and buried myself back. I just decided to skip some uni stress for today; not because I'm celebrating my birthday though. No. I just want to mope around my apartment for today; maybe clear some of my thoughts and all. I could use some fresh air later on too.

A weird feeling was boiling up in my stomach. I couldn't help but feel guilty as this is my first time skipping classes. I might have some quizzes and exercises for today, but I just don't feel like it. My conscience and I are arguing at the moment. I can't help but feel guilty for my parents. I mean, it feels like I've disappointed them. During my 18 years of life, I have never skipped any of my classes, even at high school when bad influence was at its peak. I had always been the good girl, and I'm kind of proud of that; but then again, being too good of a girl had its advantages as well. I couldn't help but feel like I've missed half of my life as I realized how out-going my classmates are in my classes. They talked about celebrities and whatnot, make-up, boys, and sometimes, s*x, much to my innocence. Well, to be honest, I've felt that a lot, even from way back then. However, I didn't really care. I was so into depression that I didn't really care of those things. All I cared about was my family, and maybe Kyuhyun. Yes, Kyuhyun's on the list. Also, by family, I mean mom, dad, Insoo, and Daehyun. Yup. Daehyun's on the list as well. I still love him to be honest, as a brother of course. Calm your horses, please.

With a sigh, I shook my head off those thoughts and stood up, heading towards the bathroom. My head was starting to ache from all these issues mixing up with each other. My issue and Daehyun had been keeping my mind occupied for a long time to be honest. He had always been on my mind. I love going to parks and all since I'd always loved sitting on a bench, watching and observing people as I did. I couldn't stop the sickening feeling on my stomach every time I see brothers and sisters enjoying their time whilst playing around. I've always felt jealous, yes. I couldn't help but blame myself as well since it's partially my fault. I haven't really confronted him at all these past few years, but then again, how could I when he's always angry when I'm around?