Dude, I love you

Chapter Nineteen

Jack Gilinsky’s POV

I really don’t know what to do. I feel as if I’m going to break down soon if I continue to sit here in his kitchen with his mom watching TV in the living room completely unaware of how serious things have gotten.

She asked me to go and get JJ, I mean Jack, old habits die hard I guess, to get his folded laundry from the basement and I was hesitant for a while because I knew Jack wouldn’t want me of all people to tell him to do his chores. When she turned around and found me still sitting there a little later she asked me again with more authority in her voice to get Jack to get his laundry.

When I knocked on his door and entered I noticed he was startled and hid something under his mattress, I closed the door quickly and waited a beat before opening it so he wouldn’t be embarrassed that I caught him doing whatever. He didn’t seem aware that I opened and closed the door and re-entered.

I told him what his mom wanted and afterwards he went to grab his laundry. I thought he was just being cheeky and hiding a dirty picture or something under his mattress, but when I went to check, out of uncontrolled curiosity I found something entirely earth shattering and heart breaking. A blade with dried blood at the corner.

I didn’t realize Jack was taking all of this so hard. I thought he was doing fine making new friends and hanging out with them. It couldn’t just be me being the problem I know that. I was in his life for a long time but his world didn’t revolve around me. There must be something else.

It must have to do with the fact that he pretty much told me he was gay the night I punched him. He said he was ‘the fag, the deadweight’. Maybe he’s afraid of how his family will handle the news, if people would accept him. Has he even told Rochelle or Daniel? Has he told anyone besides inadvertently telling me? Keeping that locked inside must be reason and it must be suffocating him.

I want to rip my hair out. I’ve been such an asshole, how could I have been so blind? He’s been there for me all my life and yet he didn’t feel he could tell me. He’s had to suffer in silence for so long. When did all of this start? Where has he been cutting? What do I do? What can I do? Do I tell his mom? Will that just make things worse? Yes it would, that’s something the person who’s coming out should do right? Not someone else blurting it out for them.

I need to leave. Now. I need to think. Telling his parents isn’t an option. What are my options? What are Jack’s options?

* * *

I stayed awake all night contemplating what I should do and missed school today. Meaning I had a long weekend and more time to think. I thought of countless scenarios in my head about what I could do but nothing seemed to be plausible. They were more like fairy tales with happy endings. I needed something real.

Thanksgiving is next week and it’s inevitable that we will see each other when our families get together for the pre-Thanksgiving feast tradition we’ve built over the years on the Tuesday or Wednesday just before the actual holiday on Thursday. My family plans to stay home this year instead of travelling to visit family in another city. I’m not sure if Jack’s family is leaving or not, but I feel the need to be with him to make sure he doesn’t do anything rash.

I need to think of a way to handle this or at least help him. Has he noticed the blade missing? What if he knows I took it? That raises another important question. Is he planning to end his life? Or is this the kind of thing where he’s just finding release?

There are too many variables and I doubt I’ll be able to get any information out of him but there is no one else to talk to about it. Maybe I could ask Rochelle or Daniel. I have both Rochelle and Daniel as my friends on Facebook maybe I should shoot them a message.

Enough time has passed by now since school ended and they should be home by now, if they didn’t go visit Jack that is. I decided on messaging Daniel instead of Rochelle because if she doesn’t know and she found out what Jack has been doing she might make a huge deal out of it knowing her. I don’t plan on telling them anything I just want to try and phish for some information.

Me: Hey I need to talk to you about something.

Almost forty five minutes later he finally responded.

Daniel Yuen: Hey, sure whats up?

Me: It’s about Jack and I need you to swear you won’t tell him about this conversation. Like deadly serious.

He waited awhile before responding.

Daniel Yuen: That depends. Whats it about?

Me: its nothing bad I just need to ask you a question.

Daniel Yuen: uh I guess so. Shoot.

Me: okay thanks. Have you noticed anything weird about him lately? Anything out of the usual?

Daniel Yuen: no, not really. What do you mean?

Me: like noticed his personality change or something.

Daniel Yuen: hmmm. Not really sometimes he seems lost in thought after they pull a stunt on him but then he returns back to normal.

What could he mean by that? Is someone bothering him?

Me: what do you mean stunt? Who’s they?

Daniel Yuen: you really don’t know? Like in all seriousness.

I have a sinking feeling in my chest.  What have they not told me?

Me: know what?

Daniel Yuen: so you were telling the truth. I feel like Jack is going to kill me if I tell you.

Me: tell me. I won’t tell him if you won’t. please its important.

I need to know what’s going on if I have any chance of helping him.

Daniel Yuen: your friends have been picking on Jack and Rochelle since the beginning of the year and it got worse after that soccer game. I thought you knew about it, but since that time we were all at Jack’s house I began to question if you really didn’t know about it or were lying.

Me: are you telling the truth?

Daniel Yuen: yes it’s the truth and Justin is the one who started all of this. Rochelle and Jack stay in the library every lunch because they get bullied by your friends anywhere else.

I feel like I’ve been slapped in the face. Why was everyone keeping this from me? What did they have against Jack and Rochelle besides a stupid soccer game?

Me: why didn’t he tell me?

Daniel Yuen: when I asked if you knew about it he just said you chose them over him and he never explained anything really, to me or Rochelle. Justin really has it out for Jack though.

Justin has been leading them? My so called new best friend has been trying to destroy my old best friend and Rochelle and has been keeping it from me all this time?

Me: I really don’t know what to say. I never knew about any of this. I knew Justin had an annoying sense of humor with people but I didn't think he was being serious about it.

Daniel Yuen: well now you know and I don’t think Jack planned on telling you since he kept it from you. You can’t tell him I told you. He wouldn’t trust me again.

Me: thanks Daniel. I won’t tell him you told me but you have to do the same.

I can’t believe Jack never told me about all of this. I feel mad and at the same time betrayed because he couldn’t just be honest with me from the beginning and the fact that Justin was behind all of this and also didn't say anything. All of this could have just been avoided from the very beginning, but it’s driving Jack, JJ to his limits and out of my reach.