Dude, I love you

Chapter Twenty Two

Jack Gilinsky’s POV

I went to see them off at the doorway while JJ stayed in the living room and watched TV. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure what I was doing when I asked if I could spend the night. I just didn’t want him to be alone, at all, not if he’s planning to hurt himself.

I went to the kitchen and stalled for time to think by grabbing more food to eat. What was I doing? What am I going to do? My heart felt like it was beating at a hundred miles per minute and my palms were sweating profusely. I can’t put it off any longer, I need him to know I’m there for him. How close is he from the edge?

I had gotten the food but I had no intention of eating it, the butterflies in my stomach made me feel like gagging. What if all this just blows up in my face and makes matters worse. I need to be careful. I can’t set him off.

I went to sit beside him on the couch and watch TV. He pulled his legs in and created more distance between us and continued to focus on the TV. We sat there for a while but I felt like I was going crazy. He seemed to notice I was getting restless by the way he shifted to look more focused on the TV. This needs to happen. No more putting it off.

I turned to face my body towards him “Jack, I need to talk to you.”

After a pause “About what?” he asks not looking at me.

“About us.” I state with a guarded tone.

“Jack there’s nothing TO talk about. There’s nothing there anymore. Why did you even ask to sleep over? It’s not going to fix anything.” He says clearly getting aggravated.

 “Because I miss my best friend.” I plead hoping to reach into his heart.

“It’s a little late for that don’t you think?” He says getting up to escape like usual. I’m not giving up, not this time. I got to my feet to follow him.

“Leave me alone!” He yells back. I continued to follow him.

He turned to face me “Jack I mean it, leave me alone. Just go home!” He demands.

I approached him and defiantly looked him straight in the eye. “No, I’m done with you pushing me away every time. Every single time I reach out to you, you don’t take my hand. Every. Time. And I’m sick of it. I am not leaving you alone this time.” I yell inches from his face forcing him step back with every step I took forward.

He pushed a hand against my chest and turned to continue stomping down the hallway. “Fuck off Jack just leave!” He calls back.

I had to take the stairs two at a time to keep up with him and when he got into his room he slammed the door in my face. “Stay out! I mean it!” he yells from the other side.

“No! Not this time!” I tried the door handle but he seemed to be holding it in place from the other side.

I struggled with the door knob and every time I got it open he would put his weight against the door to keep me from getting in. Jack wouldn’t be able to keep me out forever. I’ve gotten a lot taller and stronger than him this past year. I began twisting the door knob harder and started body slamming the door. After a few good tries the door swung open and I had to catch myself from falling by holding onto the doorknob. Jack was on the floor leaning back on his elbows.

He quickly got onto his feet and I sidestepped so I wouldn’t be standing directly in front of the doorway. He began shoving me towards the door but I stood my ground. I could see his face getting red and eyes beginning to water. JJ never liked confrontation when we were kids.

“Get out of my room!” His voice was beginning to crack.

“No!” I yell, grabbing his arms so they would stop trying to force me out.

“Yes!” I could see the tears beginning to roll down his cheeks. This isn’t what I had planned, I was acting on impulse and couldn’t stop myself.

“No! I am never leaving you okay? Ever!” I yell shaking him.

“Jack please, just leave me alone.” He pleads with a broken voice and his arms getting limp in my grip.

“Why? So you could do this?!” I scream grabbing out the blade wrapped in clear packing tape from my back pocket.

His eyes widened and his facial expression a mix of shock and anger. “Where did you get that?!” He yells shaking from my grip violently and then shoving me hard into the wall behind.

“Jack you don’t need to do this! I’m here! I accept you, everything about you! I just want my best friend back. please!” I say holding my hands out to him.

“It’s too fucking late for that! Justin is your best friend and you deserve each other! You’re no better than he is!” He yells smacking my hands away.

“I know what Justin did okay I’m so—“

“You fucking knew?!” He screams throwing his arms in the air

“N—“

“And you let him do all that shit to me and just stood by!?” His hands are shaking uncontrollably.

“JJ listen—“

“Don’t you dare call me that, you lost that privilege the night you hit me! You can both rot in hell for laying a hand on me for all I care!” He yells putting his head down to hide his face, shaking a finger at me.

“Wait what?” I say grabbing his shoulders. “Did he fucking touch you? Look at me! Did he hurt you?! ” I demand growing louder. He remained silent and sobbed quietly and refused to look at me. He struggled against my grip and tried pushing me away but I held on.

“JJ please you have to believe me.” I forced him into a hug and he continued to fight back. “I didn’t know he was doing any of that to you, he didn’t tell me. YOU never told me. NO ONE fucking told me anything. Please JJ you have to believe me.” I could feel the tears coming.

“You’re lying.” He says but he began to resist me less in my arms around him.

I could feel the tears begin to flow. “Please JJ you have to believe me, please. Please.” I plead as I stick my face into his neck to let my caged sobs free.

He wasn’t moving or making any move to hug me back. I pulled away to look him in the eye and read his expression but he seemed like a blank slate, I couldn’t read anything from his face. He just stared at me.

Before I realized what I was doing I grabbed his face in my hands and kissed him. I could taste salt on his lips and realized that it was probably from his leaking nose. I pulled away and wiped his upper lip with my thumb before placing mine back on his. I felt his hands come up and grab my forearms as he leaned into me more.  I kissed him and he kissed me back.