'It's nothing.' I say.
'Neveah, there is blood on your sleeve, quite some blood to be exact. It's not nothing.' he says and he tries to carefully roll up mu sleeve.
'Don't do that!' I scream, frightened he will find out about my secrets. But Calum doesn't listen. I hit his hand and he lets go of my sleeve. I take my change and run away from the couch. I quickly get my bag from the hallway and I run to the nearest bathroom. I lock it really fast and sit down on the cold floor. I roll up my sleeve carefully. When I see my arm I gasp for air. I've been cutting for almost a year now, but never so much, and never on my wrist before. Because I knew people would find out if I would cut in such a striking place. But this afternoon you I couldn't think. The emotions took the lead and I didn't think about my actions, I just had to calm down. And now I feel even worse because I know this is impossible to hide. The cuts are still bleeding so I get up and turn on the tap. The cold water hurts at first, but then it relieves the pain. Blood blends with the water and gets washed away. But now the pain is gone, my emotions get high again. I've been struggling with dark toughts for a few months now and they get stronger every single day. I don't know how to fight them anymore. I don't know if I still want to fight them. They were gone for a while when I was enjoying time with Callum, but only the idea of him knowing about me cuts gets me crazy and panicking. I get my arm out of the water and turn it off. Suddenly feel dizzy, it feels like the toughts are scraming in my head and I have trouble standing. There is only thing I can do to relieve this pain. I sit down again and look for my razor blade again. I put my shirt up and look at my fat stummy which is already covered in scars. I push the razor blade on my skin and move it sideways.I am finally able breath normal again when the blade goes right trough my skin.
'Neveah! I know you're in there, open the door darling.'
I hear Callum screaming and knocking on the door, but I ignore him. I feel so sorry for him. I'm not good for him, he should date a beautifull model or something, but not me, not this fat pig. I make more cuts with the razor blade and begin to cry again.
'I'm a mess.' I cry silently. I know it,I'm nothing. All the people at school are right. I'm a slutt, a worthless piece of shit. I realise this is probably one of the worst places to break down, in the house of my boyfriend and his friends But now I'm finally admitting to myself ,how I think about me, now I finally let it al out, I just can't stop.
Suddenly I realise the knocking and screaming has stopped, he must haved leaved. He probably gave up. Overwhelmed by emotions I make more cuts with the razor blade. The physical pain distracts me from the mental pain that's trying to pull me down. I feel exhausted from al the pain I've been trough today, and I just want to lay down and sleep forever.
I close my eyes and try to ignore the pain that has taken over every single part of my body. The pain off the many fresh cuts, the pain of my emty stomach, the pain of the dark tought, the pain of the bullying.
I'm just about to fall asleep whenI hear a lot of noise outside the bathroom. I slowly open my eyes and just at that moment the door opens. I see the shocked expression at Calums face before my eyes close again.
