I talk for a bit with Calum, just casual talking. Not about stuff that really matters. But talking with him makes me feel comfortable, not thinking about the hospital thing and the stuff going into my body. Talking with Calum has always had and calming effect on me. He can be so calm and serious, but on the other hand he can also be very loud and humoristic. I love him because he shows both sides to me. I know the real Calum. That's why it hurts sometimes to not showing him the real me, the real Neveah. The real Neveah has left a long time ago, she left with my mum.
We're still talking when a doctor comes in. He introduces himself as doctor Dawson. He asks me how I feel and I say I'm doing fine. I see Calum frowning at that, he doesn't agrees with it. I ask what all the tubes are for and finally get an answer to the question I had since I woke up. I was right about the red liquid, it's blood indead. Doctor Dawson explains that I've lost a lot of blood, so that's why they are giving me extra. The clear liquid is painkilling, I'm not sure why I would need that. But it's the third one, the creamy coloured liquid, that frightens me, it's liquid food. They are putting liquid food in me because my weight is to low. I pretend to be calm when the doctor is in my room. He says that if I recover good enough I can leave tomorrow. He says that I need a lot of rest and leaves my room then.
Now the doctor's finally gone my mind goes to the creamy liquid. I want to get the tube out of my nose, to stop it from making me fat. I can't do that, I know. Not if I want to leave this place as soon as possible. But just the idea of food getting into me without being able to control it makes me go crazy. Eating, or not eating is my way to control things. I cut to forget about the pain. I lose weight to know that I have at least one part of my life under control. But now I've lost both and I don't know how to handle it. My hands start to tremble and I quickly put them under my blanket so Calum won't notice. I look up at him and see him wachting me with a worried expression on his face.
'Are you okay darling?'
'Yes, I'm fine. Just happy I can go home tomorrow. I hate hospitals.'
'I talked to your dad last night.'
'Oh, what did he say?'
'Why didn't you told me he is in Dubai for a year.'
'Cause, ehm, I don't know?'
'You've been living alone for a month and you didn't told me.'
'That's true, but I'm a grown up. I can take care for myself.'
'I'm not gonna have a discussion about that with you now. You're coming home with me when you're allowed to leave.'
'What if I don't want that? You can't kidnap me Cal.'
'I can't let you go home on your own Neveah. I don't know if you're even allowed to leave her when they now that.'
'Why not?'
'You need someone to take care for you Neveah. I know you are planning to just walk ouit and pretend it never happened, but you can't. You need to heal and to gain weight Nev. If you don't do that you'll collapse.'
'I'll go home with you, but only because I wanna leave her a soon as possible. '
He won't let me go home, I get that. And in order to leave her I need Calum. So I will go with him, but I won't do al the things he just said. I don't need to gain weight, I need to lose some.
