Assassination Class: Deadly Duo

A Note Regardless

<Kagi>
When I fully recovered, I took the opportunity to go back to school with Sarumi when I myself resigned.
Do I regret it? I'm not sure yet, but I know I will live happier.

I looked back down the halls and remembered how I used to dread the boring days. Now I wished for it back, when I wasn't so...damaged. I just have to finish up 2 more years and I can become a vessel in society.
I even forgot that Sarumi was graduating soon. A 3rd year and he was so sure of his future after leaving the MD. He wants to challenge himself and try for Japan's greatest university. I don't doubt that he will make it, I think it's just boring too.

The concept of boredom, knocked me off my regular view of life. I always had the thrill of working at the MD, my adrenal rushes, the sweat, the good feeling that made every moment ecstatic. Now enduring the cold-turkey attempt to rid of it all. I'm not used to this free time.

Those free time often constituted my memories and experiences in Spain, especially Seiichi. I do remember his locker combination he told me when he died. But I've refused to go near it. That is because I fear something intangible. Guilt and remorse, bad memories, but it captures and ropes me into PTSD.

The academy board themselves haven't cleared his locker yet either, so sooner or later I have to face reality. Seiichi's body was sent back here to be buried, in honor of his heroic actions during the mission. Despite the fact that we broke regulation, the act itself was respected. Even by his father who wanted his body to come back home.
•••••••••
The house was empty again. The growing vacancy despite my present. Mom and dad were still recovering at the hospital, and they weren't coming home anytime soon.

Sarumi doesn't visit regularly anymore and it's quite understandable when he's taking admittance exams.
I dropped my school bag down next to my desk in my room. That was when my phone buzzed and I saw Ruka's number pop up.

I answered,
"Hello? Kagi speaking."
"Kagi, it's been awhile!" She spoke enthusiastically.
"Yeah, it has been I guess."
I haven't spoken to her since-

"I'll be coming to Japan next week for my Seiichi's funeral. I assume that you'll be present?" She asked.
"Y-yeah...of course I will." I choked on my words.
"Kagi. I know what happened. Sarumi told me everything." Ruka's voice settled down.
"You did?" It was difficult for me to speak.
"Yes, and I want you to know that I don't blame you. It meant that my brother trusted someone else other than me. And that's enough of a reason for me to forgive my idiot brother."

I could hear the wavering pitch of her voice. Like mine, it cracked somewhat badly and exposed how we really felt.
"Kagi, I'm glad that you're alive." Her voice quieted and she continued, "this is how life works. Not everyone can have a happy ending."

Her words echoed through my heart as it was also the last words Seiichi said to me. What darkness lies within both of them? That they both revolve around such an idea. So very true, but so sad...

"Hey Kagi." Ruka began again.
I wiped away the tears that escaped from my eyes.
"What is it?" I bit my lower lip.
"If you don't forgive yourself, I will never forgive you." Ruka's voice faded and then she hung up.

Even if she tells me it's not my fault, I can't shake off the fact that someone died for me. What did I do to deserve such a gift? I never asked for it, and now that I have it. I don't want it.
My head ached irritably and I plopped back on my bed. The heart ripping sensation that gouged away at my soul. These thoughts scattering loose and I can't appreciate anything.

I'm sick and I'm tired.
What kind of life would I have...if I was normal?
I stared at my scars that represented the life I drew myself in. I know these scars will never vanish. It's apart of me, whether I like it or not.
Everything that happened in Spain. Is apart of me.
That, I cannot forget.
I slowly retreated into deeper thoughts that were morally more stable and coherent.
Because if I forget, I'm trampling upon the lives lost during that mission. Everyone including Seiichi.
••••••••
The following day I brought it upon myself to go to his locker. Sarumi didn't join me, as he was taking his exams today, along with other 3rd year students prepping for their lives ahead.