The One That Got Away

Motte: when it ends

March 2014 - Her Truth

I know for a fact that something happened along the way.

Something changed. 

I am not certain if it was because of the busy schedule, the distance between us or was it fame?

I tried my best not to think of it.  Telling myself how paranoid and delusional it seemed.

There were times when my friends would intentionally let some details slip.  They would give out hints but I turned a blind  eye on all of it.

Why?

Because I can't accept the fact that we're changing....

That we're growing apart from each other.

Contrary to popular belief.. He is my first love... The moment I saw him, there's something that is telling me to stay as far away I could get.

My insticts are telling me he'll hurt me big time.... beyond fixing...

I tried you know...

I tried to stop how I feel... but each gestures... each messages... each look in his eyes made me fall deeper.

I lost my heart the moment he decided to  stand in front of our apartment building in a rainy night for hours.

I thought Vi was only kidding when he told me he's waiting in front of our house with 3 dozen purple roses....

It was only when my brother told me that he saw him outside drench in the rain while holding a ridiculous boquet of flowrers did I realize that he is serious.

I ran out of the house to check on him.  He was there alright.  He was wet and tired and defeated.

I could still remember the stories they were telling in the broadcast.  Some of it are actually true.

Technically he's in front of our house...  but Vi might have told him a different building address as he was looking lost in front of the building across from ours.

I remembered laughing at him as he try to dry himself.  I remembered how irritated he was that he never considered that their maknae will be his ultimate troll.

It is a good memory as it was that night that made me face the truth that I'm already deeply inlove with him.

It wasn't until I was given a go signal to date that we officially started going out.  It was in 2012... I remembered how beautiful it was... the road we are taking are full of flowers blooming....

I can still remember the teasing touch of somewhat cold but warm breeze....
It was 2012 for me... but I just realized that it had already been a year for him...

Those are the good times...
Sneaking around just to see each other... little touches while making sure nobody sees... him glaring at other guys as they try to talk to me and I silently killing him as he yet again get photograph with a friend...

A friend... what a lie.

When did it started to be a lie?

I can't remember...
I don't want to know....

"I want out."

My heart is breaking little by little, shattering like glass.

"I'm sorry.... but I think I'm no longer in love with you."

Ahhh... so that's what happened...
That's what changed....

I continue to get sucked in deeper into this mess called love but he had gotten out.

I'm the only one who loves despite of it all...

I want to ask when did he stop loving me... how did he manage to stop? 

But I can't...
I don't want to know...

Willing myself to smile while painfully taking off the symbol of our love and promises,  I finally looked at him.

Taking every single memory of him with me as I placed his freedom back to his hand, all I can hope for is his happiness.

I wish I can stay longer...
I wish I can love him more...
I wish this is all a dream...
I wish....

Taking my first step away from him,  my wall finally breaks and my tears silently fall...

I just set him free...
away from me... away from us...

I don't remember how I got out of his unit so fast... or was it slow....

I don't remember anything at all...
Was it last night?  the other night? a week ago?

I don't know....
I don't want to know...

I am living a life almost everyone wants...
while all I want is just one thing...

I want my heart back.