Raising Haze

Chapter Twelve

Thirteen years.

Thirteen fucking years. How could she keep this from me? Did I have no right to know who my actual mother was? I couldn't stop crying. Everything was just so...clusterfucked. How could she not tell me?!

Derrik kept trying to calm me down, to no avail. Then, I heard the front door open. I didn't care. I just sat  there, looking at the pictures and re-reading the note over and over. 

"Haze!" My mother, well, Heather, yelled. I didn't answer. I heard her walking towards where we were. Still, didn't care. 

She should know that I know about it. But then again, why should I tell her anything after she kept something this important from me. But, I wasn't that horrible of a person.

So, I waited until she walked in. When she did, she just stared at me and what I was holding. I looked back and stared right back at her. 

"I thought I told you not to go in there." She stated, with a cold expression.

"I thought you were my mother." I quickly retaliated. She just stood there for about ten minutes, while I still had tears running down my face. 

"Please let me explain..."

"Why should I? How do I know you won't lie to me again?" I snapped. 

"Please, Haze." She begged.  I got up and followed her to the living room. Derrik followed me. She sat us down, and just looked at us for a bit before she stared. 

"Look, I'm sorry I kept this from you for so long. I just-- I don't know. I didn't want you to know about her. I wanted you to have a mother. Not feel like you weren't really mine and be upset."

"Who's my dad? What was she like?" was all I had to say to that.

"You're dad is Zane. He left her so she could be with me. He was a major dick about it though. That's one reason she was so depressed. She wanted him in your life. But she was really sweet. She went through a lot when we were younger. She was a lesbian. Her mother didn't approve of that shit, so she decided to experiment. That's how you were created. She was really sensitive, and got depressed easily. Her first girlfriend, Avery, killed herself. She was so broken  because of it, and I made it better." She was crying at this point, but I didn't care.

"She loved you so much. As you read in the note, she just wanted the best for you. I was so upset when I found her. I wanted her to stay for you. You needed two parents. You were her world. I never understand why she would never let you out of her sight until she did it. She just wanted to spend as much time with you as possible before you got too attached and she ended it all. You knew though. You weren't the same after she died. You look just like her too. I'm sorry I never told you."

I just sat there. I didn't know what to think. I was still pissed because I thought I had the right to know. I don't even know how to feel at this point. All that was registering is that Heather isn't my mom, my real mom died, and my dad didn't want me. I was never depressed, but this kicked it in. 

I looked at Derrik, and he had a few tears forming. Why, I don't know. Maybe because he just heard the saddest story ever. Either way, I didn't want to be here anymore. Without saying a word, I got up and walked out of the house. I didn't know where I was going, but I didn't care. I just wanted to walk and clear my head. 

---

I walked for awhile. about and hour, before I reached a small park. I just sat on a swing, thinking about everything that has happend in the last twenty-four hours. I ignored all the calls and texts from Derrik and Heather. I didn't want to deal with them or anyone. Derrik was a sweetheart and all, but I wanted to be by myself, with no one around and no one talking to me. It made life easier at this time.

I started swinging. There was nothing better to do. I could walk around town, but I'd get lost and have to call Heather. I didn't want to do that. I could easily find my way back from here.

I started thinking though. Was I  a mistake? If my mom was a lesbian, and she only did things with a guy to prove something to her mother, then what did that mean? I couldn't be a mistake. Accident, yes. Mistake? Not so sure. She did say she loved me and wanted the best for me. But am I what killed her? In science, when we learned about reproduction and stuff, teacher dude got off topic and started going on about post partum depression. Maybe that's why she did it.

Or maybe it was because of my dad? Or grandma? I don't know. I didn't know what to think anymore. So, I wasn't going to. 

Here's to a new Hazelyne.