Whomever

twenty four

Shannon agreed to help keep me away from her if we start the group up again this Fall. I don't want to distance myself but I have to. If I don't I will regret it. I know myself, I will be in the same place I'm in now next summer if I don't stop loving her. This is borderline obsessive. I am so fucking creepy. I threw away a few things that remind me of her. That was yesterday. I feel almost numb but typing it out helps. Shannon is helping a lot. It turns out that we have gone through a lot of similar experiences. I explained a scenario to them. When I was in second grade a friend talked me in to giving him a handjob. Then he talked me in to letting him reciprocate. I repressed it, classifying it as traumatic but not assault because I ended up saying yes. I told Shannon about it and they helped me realize that it was sexual assault. So, now I have realized, every experience I have had with doing something that is supposed to be beautiful. Something that is supposed to be the ultimate act of love. Something that is supposed to be about connecting with someone you love. Something that is supposed to be the most beautiful thing that you can do with someone who you love. Every experience I have had with that was not what it was supposed to be. I have realized that all three of these experiences that I have tried so hard to forget. They were all sexual assault. The first was when I was three years old. We don't know who did it. But because of that I never had the chance to save anything. I have never had the chance to do the ultimate act of love and devotion only with someone who I love. And I have been blind to that. I have been blind for as long as I have lived. Never able to see all of what I have lost. I never realized that I have been denied something that everyone should get. That first experience. Yes, I had it, but I can't remember it. And I could have dealt with that. But my second time was taken from me too. By someone that I didn't love. Again. The boy that sat next to me on the school bus. Even my third wasn't consensual. I lie, it's what I do. I tell everyone that nothing happened between us. He said that I was his beard and that he was mine. It was never a relationship to me. One night he guilt tripped me in to giving him oral. If I say that if being talked in to doing something makes it assault then that is too. He told me that I lead him on and that I had to. I told him that that was not true. He then proceeded to tell me what I had heard years before from the boy that sat next to me on the bus. If I didn't he would say that I did. And so I did. I know that this wasn't my fault. I know that I was manipulated in to it. But I said yes. I said yes. And that kills me. I ended up saying yes. I don't know. All I do know is that I didn't want to but I did. And even after studying for hours last night I can't figure this out. I have studied other peoples definitions of sexual assault. But I still can't manage to form my opinion. I don't know if it even matters? It's not like I want to press charges. Both of the two last ones were technically consentual. It's probably my fault. I said yes. I didn't say no. So maybe it's my fault. I don't know. I feel completely lost. Shannon asked how I'm doing this morning. I said that I was pretty much alright. That's a lie. I had three panic attacks last night. They were all about this. I lied to Shannon. I feel bad about it but I did. So, now, I'm back here. Back to this thing on Wattpad. Back to my safe, faceless, alias. Only one person knows about this. They're probably not going to read it again. So yeah, I lied to Shannon. I need to confess. I lied to Shilarna, I said that I was alright with her hugging me. I always shyed away from them. I hated her hugging me. She is great but I just couldn't. By the end of our group I was fine with them but the first seven weeks I almost ran. I lied to Aubrey, I didn't tell her the whole truth. Not about Camron and not about almost anything else. I lied to Shannon, about everything I mentioned here. I lied to Ana, yes, Ana. I said that I was fine when I was dying inside. When the pain was consuming me and all I wanted to do was collapse in her arms and sob. I said that I was fine. I told her that I had gotten over my parents and that I don't cry. I told her that I was fine with being dropped off before Eddie. All I wanted then was a minute to talk to her. I lied to Crysti when I said that Mom is supportive. I lied to Ivy when I said that I understood. I lied to Jaivon when I said that I was cool with him hugging me. When I felt like I was going to die if he hugged me. I lied to him when I said that nothing was wrong. I just remembered, I also lied to Ana when I said that I was alright with Jaivon. He scared me, he was too loud. I lied to Ana when I said that I was alright with CJ. He reminded me of Camron, my old beard. He reminded me of that night and whenever he laughed I would see that moment again. In my basement, on the old total gym. Him laying down on it. Me, gagging. Him, laughing. It killed me. I hated CJ because he was just like Camron. So, I lied about all of that. And more, I just can't remember what right now. I lie so much. Not because I want to, because it's easier than the truth. I lied because I was afraid of the truth. I still am. But here I can say it. Here I am free to say it. I don't want to but I have to. So, I lied. But now I have confessed. I don't know, I'm still uncertain about so much. But now I feel lighter.