thirty one

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I have started writing about the three boys. One I am trying to forgive. He was severely mentally handicapped and I don't think that he knew any better. So I am trying to forgive him. And while I do that I also try to forgive myself. I said yes. They blackmailed me in to it but I said yes. So I'm trying to forgive myself too. Ana hasn't emailed me in 11 days. I will live. I'm not clinging to her memory anymore. Goodness, I speak of her as if she were dead. Not dead but also not here. Mi querida. No. My friend, not my dear. She is dear to me but not my dear. I don't have anyone in that position anymore. Ana is a dear friend. Not more, not less. Shannon helps, they picked me up yesterday and we saw a show at a local park. Macbeth. It was the best evening I've had since our play group ended. The latest boy is staying nextdoor with his grandparents. He's friends with my sisters and Mom doesn't know what happened so she won't tell him to fuck off. So occasionally he will come inside our house to hang out with my sisters. Fuck my life. We have a family living with us. A dad, mom, and three kids. The day before yesterday the dad beat his wife. So now i'm terrified of being in the same room as him. Fucccccccck. I can't have a good day anymore can I? FML.

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