Guilt | G.D.

4. 6:00AM-2:30PM

Song- Pink + White by Frank Ocean (sets the mood, recommend you play)

6:00 AM,

The alarm goes off.

I get up and go straight to the bathroom to curl a few pieces of hair that had fallen throughout my sleep, and brush my teeth. After I am done in there, I go a few doors down the hallway and into my beauty room that holds all of my makeup. I wasn't the biggest fan of makeup, and I definitely wasn't the most talented, but Stacy loved it and sent me a huge package of it almost every week, so I converted one of the guest bedrooms into my beauty room about a year ago. While in there, I put on minimal face makeup, comb clear gel through my brows to keep them in place and throw on some mascara, and that was the farthest extent to which I ever did my makeup, unless it was a special event.

Now that my hair and makeup were complete, and I felt a lot more confident, I went back to my room and put on my outfit, forgetting that it was Maddie's clothes that I was just tossing on as if it were nothing. I step into my body mirror and then it hits me what I was wearing, and I quickly realize that Maddie looked so much better in that bodysuit than I ever will.

6:45 AM

I head down the back staircase that leads straight from my room to the kitchen and grab a granola bar, knowing damn well that I wasn't going to eat it. I then slip my small black bag over my right shoulder and thrown on a pair of black sunglasses that cover my whole face, that way no one will recognize me to be able to come up to me.

I walk out of the door, locking it, even though I didn't need to the neighborhood was safe. I head down the long driveway to my BMW convertible, the one my dad gave me by leaving a note and this car as a "sorry I didn't tell you I was leaving for five years that one-time, but I have to leave for another huge portion of your life." gift, you could say. Rather than rolling the top down like I normally would, I keep it up along with the windows, as a form of protection from the outside world.

I grip the wheel tightly, not knowing if I am really ready to drive again after everything that went down. The voice in the back of my head is telling me that it is okay, and that if I don't drive soon then it's going to break down, but then my heart feels like its going to burst every time I go to put my hand on the gear shift to leave park. I decide that I am not confident enough to be behind the wheel and choose to call and Uber instead.

7:20 AM

School.

I arrive to school just on time, paying the Uber and tipping him 5 stars before inhaling deeply and stepping out of his vehicle. I pull my sunglasses over my eyes and keep my head down as I walk quickly into the school building. The hallways where crowded which was the perfect scenario for me because I could easily hide in the larger herd of students fleeing to their first period. I needed to stop at my locker to get my books that by now have probably collected a years worth of dust, but I could see that Maddie's locker which was right next to mine, had been turned into a mural. If I were to stop at my locker, it would do nothing but draw unwanted attention to myself, so I decide on going to the bathroom and hiding until the bell rang in five minutes and then going to my locker. This meant I was going to be late for class, but my teachers would understand.

I walk quickly keeping my head down, pushing slightly through people making out and talking shit way louder than they should be, and enter the disgusting pit that is the school bathroom, heading straight for the first open stall and locking it quickly behind me.

After 5 minutes of ease dropping on all of the pathetic conversation these girls had in the bathroom I hear the bell ring and feel like it is finally safe to go and grab my things. After turning two corners, There it was, my locker, the one that has now been turned in to part two of Maddie's mural. I approach it slowly, knowing that I don't want to read all their stupid remarks that would resemble the Instagram comments to a tee, and just as I am about to reach the locker, a large figure appears in front of it from the other direction. He has a large red sharpie in his hand and his hood up so I couldn't make out who it was, but I think it is pretty odd that red was their color of choice, considering the memorial was blue and black to match Maddie's school uniform that now hangs and has been retired in her honor. I silently watch as they add their thoughts to the many previously written and then step away from the locker, as if they where in deep thought, and then proceed to sit down in the middle of the hallway, staring at the technically vandalized walls that surround them and I.