Guilt | G.D.

5. Long List of Questions

Song- Second Time by Bruno Major (sets the mood, recommend you play)

"It's okay you don't need to give me a ride." I state as he slowly rides along side me

"Kiersten, seriously just get in, we live in the same neighborhood, its not that big of a deal" he replies with nothing but seriousness in his voice.

I was a little confused as to how he knew where I lived in the first place and as to how I never knew we were neighbors, but none-the-less, I got in and buckled up.

For about a minute the ride was silent as I stared out the window, thinking of what to say, before deciding just to be straight up.

"Grayson, I need to ask you something." I break the silence. He just looks over to me then returns his attention back to the road, letting me know that it was okay to continue with his actions.

"What happened that night after they took her away, I think I blacked out?" I paused and waited but didn't get a response. "Like how did I get home, and how was I changed and cleaned in the morning?" I continued, wanting an answer.

"You didn't black out, you just had a panic attack, and the cop took you home." Grayson stated blankly, letting his face drop and making it a point not to make eye contact with me, even for a second.

I knew he was lying because I woke up in his shirt, and the cops had left us alone after taking Maddie, but he obviously didn't want to talk about it and I wasn't going to push it.

"how are you feeling?" I continue, changing the subject to a less awkward one, and the only one that we could ever really talk about considering it's the only thing that connected us.

"confused, conflicted" he pauses and looks at me with worry and as if he wanted to tell me something, but then looked back to the road again."But mostly, I guess guilty and hurt" He finishes, anxiously tapping his hand on the stick shift as he spoke.

His loss for words makes me upset, I wish that he would talk until his lungs gave out, his voice is the only thing that has soothed me in this whole situation. I watch him from the passenger seat, noticing little things about him that I've never had the chance to. For starters, the bags under his eyes are prominent, indicating that his sleeping schedule isn't ideal at the moment, but based on the description of his feelings he just provided, I think it is justifiable. Next, his bone structure, his cheek bones were prominent, making his rare smile a sight for sore eyes, his jaw was strong and perfectly shaped to fit any girls dream, and nose, which came to a perfect tip at the end. Then, his lips. They were red and swollen, chapped, I watch as he licks the repeatedly, not letting them dry at all, causing visible irritation and swelling. And lastly, his eyes. They are hazel, but as the sunlight peaks through the tress over the course of the drive and strikes his eye, it glistens a shade of green that is nothing but unique, it is indescribable.

After a few moments of taking in all of his features, I realize that although there were so many ways to describe these physical features, there was one word I could think of to describe them all as one, and that word was broken. His emotions were peaking through his facial expressions and showing nothing but what he had said out loud before, confused, conflicted, guilty, and hurt. He seems lost, and I know for a fact I am, so maybe we can help one another to be found.

"Look I know we don't know each other that well, but if you ever need to talk or if you ever need someone to come to, I am a phone call away." I make my thoughts known, as I place my hand on his which was still rapidly tapping, stopping it in an instant and shooting sparks through out my entire left arm.

"I appreciate it, but you wouldn't understand." Grayson blankly replies as he throws the gear into park, making my hand fall from his and making it known that we had arrived to my house. The sudden anger and hostility he held with in him catches me off guard.

"If anything, I am more hurt than you Grayson, you knew her for a week, that was my best friend, don't sit here and tell me I don't understand." I state firmly, informing him with my tone of voice that what he had just said was fucked up, and obviously triggered me. I open the car door, embarrassed and angered by his response. I tried to open up, I tried to help him, even when I myself still need more help than anyone could provide, and he does nothing but completely shut me out and give me the driest responses possible.

I close the door and begin the walk up my long drive way to the empty home where I would re-seclude myself.

"Maybe Maddie's car crash isn't the only thing fucking with me, ever think about that?" Grayson stops me in my tracks as I turn around to face him,to be met with the same eyes that pleaded to be heard and say what he wanted to say, like he had the worlds biggest secret held on his shoulders, but instead of continuing, he drives away, leaving me confused, lonely, and most of all, guilty.

What else could Grayson have going on in his life that is tearing him up to that point? He had an awesome family that were all really close and loving to the point where everyone knows about the Dolans, he was so talented athletically, he was so smart and could get into any college he wanted to, and he was easily the most attractive guy I had ever seen. I mentally search for any signs that there were other issues going on in his life to make him feel so guilty and upset but, nothing. However, now that I was thinking about it, there had to be something else going on, because although him and Maddie had a thing, they had only really hung out twice, and Maddie never even brought him to meet me, which means that they weren't serious, so there is no way he is this torn up only due to her passing, he's almost as bad as me, and I lived with the girl for years.

None of this was adding up.

As I enter my house I realize that rather than having my questions for Grayson answered, I was left with a never ending list of new ones.

Not only did he lie about being at my house with me that night, he also revealed that he has issues going on behind the scenes that was completely unrelated, leading me to ask why me? Why is it that he decided to talk to me and expose himself to me, when he barely even knew me?

I close my eyes, this was all too much.

Now I know how Maddie felt, I can't stop thinking about Grayson Dolan.