poems.

a letter.

hello there,
this is the first time
I really want to talk to you

hey,
it's me
and I want you to listen,
listen carefully,
cause I am about to
reveal some things,
feelings,
reveal what I avoided to say

hey,
do you remember the letter
I got from you?
I never wrote back,
but
that doesn't mean
I didn't have an answer

do you remember this time
we sat down
heart to beat,
intertwined
and the world stopped spinning?
I never told you,
but that was the first time
I realized
that
somewhere from another lifetime
my soul already knows you

and I know
you asked yourself this question about a million times,
but yes
I wanted you by my side
yes,
it was true what you said
yes,
I know how much you're willing
to give up for me,
but
you've got to understand that,
even if it hurts,
I needed to keep you away

and let me say
right now
I am lying in bed,
bleeding out my breath
and breathing in my pain
I am watching white skin
turning red,
I am watching
so many things,
but I don't want to leave
without telling you my truth

I love you,
always will

I miss you,
always had

I want you,
I really do

and I should've called you back,
I shouldn't have left you alone
or
walk away
I
should have kissed you
as you started to cry,
I should've opened the door
as you stood outside
waiting and waiting
till it started to rain,
cause
sometimes I still see you
standing in front of my window,
sharing tears with the sky

I think about
the night we met,
hand in hand,
counting stars with closed eyes
I think about
all of the words you wrote
all of your poetry,
possibilities to explain
the things you've done lately
I think about
being the one
you will always love
I believe that
you and me
deserve to be together

and
I need to tell you
that I am still angry,
cause you left me alone,
alone in
this fucked up world,
alone with
all of this fucked up people,
alone
with myself

I miss you in my bed,
breathing into my neck,
miss your habits at the morning
and the way you brush your teeth,
I miss your grumpy side
when you're  hungry
and
the smile
when sun shines through the trees
let me tell
that I wanted to kiss you
every time we talked

that's why
at the end
I tried to forget you
and
I am sorry,
cause I promised to be there,
but
to be honest
I wasn't
I was busy with
avoiding what
I am confronting right now

and I know
that it's too late,
look at your grave,
even the flowers grew dead

how long has it's been?
you left too early
and
I was too silent

I can't stop thinking about
all the things
that could've went differently,
if I'd just told you my truth

hey,
you will never read this letter
I am just thinking out loud,
but
I love you
and
this will never change

I just wish
with all my heart
I told you this
at least one time
when you came around with diner in your back,
one time as you buyed ice scream just for me,
one time as we sat down
and the world was on standby

I should've told you this
-I love you-
why didn't I told you
how much I fucking love you?

I just hope
that you still wait for me,
cause this time
I will follow you

this time
I am brave enough to
let it happen

I am writing this,
doing this,
getting down for you
at least
that's what I am trying to
and I don't know
what will happen the next morning
I don't know
who will read this,
but their texts
won't get an answer

I am leaving,
I am leaving for you

and

I am sorry,
but
that's what I needed to say