poems.

sober.

there are times for you
to talk about specific things
there are months when
you keep quiet

and I
I was loving what I had with you,
even if it meant nothing
and I
to be honest
always knew the truth,
that I meant nothing

it was so easy
I was living in spring
still can't believe what happened,
not a single thing from
saying "I love you",
from giving no response,
from not knowing what's true,
from holding on too long

I loved for years
the same non existing things,
I tried for years
to avoid what demi sings,
I try and I try and I try and I try and I try,
but it's not that easy being on your own,
without you by my side

I always told you
that you're strong,
but there are things
I never mentioned,
stories I didn't offer to
whisper you to sleep,
poems I never wrote
for you to read
and
I can't fight it anymore

you know about therapy,
about boys and girls
and what people did to me,
you know that I'm struggling
and
I'm pushing away
what I try to save,
I'm looking for distance
cause I really want to stay
it's confusing, but
there are things you don't know
and
it's not that I wouldn't trust you

you're my person
that's what you are, was, hopefully will always be
it's just
I lose myself in these words

and you know
I fight for so long
I'm not sober too,
not talking about alcohol...
I'm ashamed
I don't feel like a diamond anymore
and you told me
I've been acting selfish
while not talking to you,
when all I've tried to do
was to don't mess it up with you

funny story
telling what I feel
and rushing away just the other day,
stupid thing
trying to be what I just can't,
trying to be brave
until I can't stand what's happening

that's it
that's my final point
I made mistakes,
maybe making it right now
and I'm sorry for disappointing
the ones who loved me
I'm sorry for high hopes they had
for telling me how happy I seem
and
now I can't meet a mirror without leaving tears

I know
it's hard for you too
I know
you've tried more than once to be there for me

maybe
there are times for us
to talk about specific things,
cause
the last months
I just kept quiet

so
I'm sorry I'm not sober anymore
I know you'd never leave me,
but there's one thing left for sure

- I never played a single thing about us, about my life and what I love

there is just too much going on
things you can't excuse
and it was before your time
it's just
better call me when it's over,
cause I really try to save what's left