The Mind of a Soldier [1]

14

"Желание (longing)" The russian man said, holding a red book in his hand. "Ржавый (rusted)" Sergeant barnes could feel the cool air throughout his veins. "Семнадцать (seventeen)" the metal restraints just as cold. "Рассвет (daybreak)" an anger started to form in the pit of his stomach. "Печь (furnace)" it was incredibly strong. " девять (nine)" he could feel it surging through him. "Доброкачественный (benign)" the fire grew and grew within him. "возвращение домой (homecoming)" it was too much, so he yelled with outrage. "Один (one)" he could feel the restraints starting to give into his brute force. "грузовой автомобиль (freight car)"

Bucky awoke inside the small apartment on the couch, except it wasn't really him. Alena could hear rustling in behind her bedroom walls. It was the middle of the night, why would he be leaving again when they had just been to the museum? Walking into the living room she realized her soldier friend wasn't really going anywhere. He was stumbling into chairs and tables in a confused daze. He was losing himself and she had to get him back. Trying to take his hand she reasoned with him. Terrified and worried at the same time.

"Hey! Uh... it's me, Alena?" Bucky only knocked her off balance and into the couch. Rolling her eyes she got up again as the soldier went towards the knives in the kitchen. " oh shit.." she mumbled. Cursing was something she didn't necessarily think was good to do, but in this moment it seemed appropriate. Jumping up on top of his back she managed to pull her weight and soon he was on the ground. She tried to keep him down but just like in their sparing, he was too strong for her. Then alena realized something. Unlike at the base she had things she could use to defeat him. Grabbing a glass bottle of olive oil on the counter she smashed it up against his head. He stumbled turning around towards her. Alena looked into the man's eyes, she recognized them. They looked the exact same way as when she was at the base, when he wasn't himself. Bucky's metal arm grabbed her neck, trying to choke her out but it was a weak attempt. Soon he was flat on the floor with olive oil covering his shirt and his greasy hair.

"Please.... Just stay down.." she mumbled softly quickly falling asleep beside him on the floor.

When Barnes awoke he started to remember all of it. Brushing the side of his face with his hand he stopped at his temples, pinching them in frustration. He had done this. The bottle on the floor, the broken tables and even tried to choke Alena. Looking at her now, with her head propped up on a seat cushion dozing off into dreamland, he could still see the slight bruises on her neck. He felt awful. She shouldn't be with him and yet there is no other place to go. How was he going to manage both her and himself? The thought terrified him. For now however he had to deal with the mess, so grabbing a dustpan and broom he started to sweep.

Alena squinted her eyes open as her back ached from slouching over the chair cushion. She yawned as she saw Bucky cleaning up.

"Sorry about the bottle, I have a problem with breaking things" she mumbled standing up.

"It's fine Alena" Bucky replied, hoarse but caring. "W-Why don't you go and be in your room for a little bit? While I get this cleaned up."

"But i wanna help!" she said happily moving towards him. Barnes quickly back away afraid of hurting the young girl again. Alena furrowed her eyebrows, he was allowed to help her when she got out of control, why couldn't she pay back the favour? It seemed unfair. "I can help, can't I?"

"Not this time pipsqueak, I-I think it'd be best if you didn't" Alena didn't reply as she walked back to her room, closing the door as she did. She went to distract herself by looking out the window again, at least those people can't talk to her. She saw families walking by, many with strollers and toddlers running amuck. Were she and Bucky a family? They lived together that's for sure, but she remembered reading at the base that to be family, you have to be connected by blood. They were not connected by blood. So no, her and Barnes were not family, no matter how much she felt it was true. But then again how would she even know what family is like? She barely even remembers her own.

Soon enough daylight had ended and so had Alena's energy bar. Climbing into bed she pulled the covers up above her head, wanting to completely disappear from the world, and so she did.

Street lights lit up outside of the living room window. Bucky stared at them with a pen and paper in his hand, millions of crumpled up notes in the trash can. He didn't know what to do, as a danger to himself and even Alena he felt as though he was a monster. Something his mother had once warned him about if he didn't eat his vegetables, except she forgot to use the word murder when it explaining it. The amount of times he had seen the life in people's eyes disappear was countless, and yet it was as if he could remember each one. There were good memories starting to come back, sure, but it was all ruined when he came back to reality. There was no way to go back in time and change his fate, no way to just let him die that one day after the train ride. No way to reverse the monster Hydra made him, and monsters don't raise children. He couldn't take care of Alena at this point, eventually the both of them would destroy each other. So he began to write.

Dear Alena,

I can't take care of you anymore. I'll only end up hurting you and I can't do that, I won't. There's enough food in the fridge for a week, after that I don't know. Look just act normal and maybe someone will-

No. He couldn't do this. No matter what he really couldn't do this. Leaving Alena to be by herself forever was not an option, she would cause more deaths than him. He had to remind himself that even though he sees her in a certain way, Alena isn't some little girl who can't take care of herself. She's a little girl who can fight and wasn't raised the ways of "thou shalt not kill" in fact it was thou shall kill or else.

Barnes needed to get some air. Crumpling up the note he threw it somewhere around the room, where? He didn't really have much concern for. Before leaving he creaked open Alena's bedroom door. Still fast asleep, peacefully or not he couldn't tell.

Author's note: I apologize to any people who speak Russian and are reading this book, i MIGHT have used google translate for the first paragraph... heheh oops ._.

Comments and votes are appreciated :)