It Ain't Just Fame || BTS #BangtanAwards2018 #Wattys2018

SUGA

"Hoseok if you don't stop screaming, I swear I will lock you out of the dorm all night!" I yelled at the direction of the noise from my upper bunk bed. My limbs were aching from our 12 hour choreo practice and I had a blinding headache. As if that wasn't enough, my depression was back. That familiar weight of fear and doubt gnawing it's way through my heart like an angry caged monster. I knew the guys had been calling me ' The Sleeping Grandpa'. But I hadn't slept properly in days. Fear, pure unadulterated fear, had kept me awake.

I looked around the tiny bedroom, dark except for the moonlight seeping through the equally tiny window and bathing Jungkook's cot and our bunk bed like thin silver snakes. I realized that there were only 2 days till shooting. A new wave of dread washed over me and the monster started to claw at my heart more viciously. I gulped audibly.

Well, as audible as it could get with Hoseok's screaming....

Just as I was about to yell at him again with a fresh volley of curses, he burst into the room, Taehyung following close behind. Hoseok was screaming at a....was that a moth? He swung wildly at the tiny creature with a bat, his eyes tightly closed. 'Don't hurt him! Stop! You're gonna hurt him!" pleaded Taehyung, trying to shield the moth whilst trying to escape from Hoseok's blows himself.

I opened my mouth to call for Jin hyung but realized the dorm was empty. Jin hyung and Joonie were called by Bang Pd-nim for final preparations and the kids had gone to buy groceries. I let out a groan and slid down the ladder to the chaos below. I got out a shoebox from under the bed and pushed Hoseok out of the way. He toppled over on Jungkook's cot.

After a long time of running around and cursing, I gave the box with the moth to Taehyung, who happily skipped away with his new friend. I then turned to Hoseok, who was a miserable pile of blankets and long lanky limbs. He was whimpering and shaking from head to toe, still clutching the bat and feebly shaking it at invisible moths.

He looked so awkward that I couldn't help but laugh. It started out as a wobbly smile and ended with me gripping the door frame for support. It then hit me that this was my first real laugh after a long time. "It isn't funny", whined Hobi, which made me laugh even harder. I watched as he slowly untangled himself, propped himself up and started wiping his face with a black cloth, which he soon realized was Jungkook's unwashed underwear. He threw it at me with a disgusted look. Huh. I was running out of undies anyway.

I switched on the light and sat down on the cold floor next to Taehyung's mattress. I looked at my pale hands which were callused from hours of composing. "I hate myself", I suddenly blurted out, "What am I even doing here?" I didn't look at him and kept staring at my hands. "What do you mean, hyung? You have amazing skills, your rap is phenomenal. You totally deserve to be-

"Aniyo, that's not what I".....I took a deep breath, " I have been rejected by so many broadcasting companies," I laughed grimly, " So many. I've literally lost count. I almost didn't make it here! Every time they say the problem is my music but I think it's because it's....me." Images flashed through my mind. My eomma getting worried, the concern on my therapist's face, my sheer horror when I see too many people in a room, the instinct to avoid people, in general, and finally, bang-pd nim's words a few years back,

"Yoongi-ah! I'm putting you with a team......"

"I have sociophobia. I'm not good at communication.... I prefer to stay quiet and alone. I had a hard time bonding with you guys, as well. My point is, you guys have such bright personalities. I'm just this grumpy kid who never talks. Even if we make it (and that was a big 'if'), would people, ummm, like me? Would I have, you know.... fans? It's just that I think you guys'll be better off without me...." Only now did I look up at him, who, frankly, looked a bit disturbed at my sudden change of mood. He came over and joined me on the floor.

After taking his time leaning back on the wall and thoroughly examining his worn-out shirt, he said "Do you know how much the kids look up to you? Do you? They copy every single thing you do. Jiminie's always talking about how cool you are.... Sure yeah, you bully them and all, but they love you. You will always be their hyung", He flashed one of his sunshine smiles. "I'm pretty sure the fans will see your other side too. It will take time, 'cause you, errr, don't talk much in the beginning, but they'll look up to you as a kind, gentle and talented person. It's okay if you don't like to talk, you express your feelings better with your lyrics anyway....Just- don't change yourself, hyung. For anyone." I could see now why he was called J-Hope. That kid could cheer up anyone, including dark, mopey me. Before I could figure out a way to answer, he said, "You're not the only one struggling hyung. How can I be the People's Hope if tiny things like moths and geckos freak me out?" He rested his head on his knees and watched the flickering light-bulb. I thought of his cheery laugh, his ability to encourage the members when they were tired and just...be there for us. "Well", I said slowly, "You'll always be our hope."

I immediately regretted saying that when he started to advance towards me for a hug with an "Awwww". I planted my hand flat on his face and pushed him back. "Don't touch me", I growled and stepped out of the room. "Aaaaand he's back", sighed Hoseok.

"Hyyyuuuuuuuuuuuuung, Kookie shoved me into a pole!"

" I DID NOT!"

"You DID!"

"DID NOT!"

I looked up at the stained ceiling and willed for Jin hyung to come back soon, even if that meant listening to his daily speech about how handsome he was. However, the boys settled down when Kookie rushed to admire the moth, with whom Taehyung was already having a serious conversation with.

"Uh, Hyung.....", I noticed Jimin's baby face scrunched up in worry. "We...we could only buy enough ramen for 4. We're running out of money again." I closed my eyes for a moment and willed myself to not scream out loud or punch the nearest wall. I couldn't help thinking it was a matter of time before this job literally killed us. Finally I opened my eyes. "Don't tell Jungkookie. Jin hyung and Joonie will eat at Pd nim's. I'll cook for you four."

"What about you?" asked Jimin. I smirked. "Hyung's body doesn't run on food. It runs on swag!" He raised an eyebrow at me, "How old do you think I am?" I replied with one of my famous grunts.

"Hey, did anyone see my black briefs?" yelled Jungkook from the bedroom. "No one cares about your diapers, loser", I yelled back. I took the grocery bag from Jimin and made my way into the tiny kitchen with the briefs jammed safely in the back pocket of my shorts.

Bang Si-hyuk aka Bang pd-nim : CEO of BIGHIT entertainment, the training institute of the boys.

Eomma- mother

Hello there angels!

Hope you're having a great day! I have to say, this is the first time writing for some of us... and it was really really encouraging to see so many reads in a day. I almost got tears in my eyes! Thank you all so so so much.. you all deserve the world! Hope you liked this chapter. It's special to me because suga oppa is my bias. And my role model. Well, that's it for today. Keep reading and supporting our book and the boys! Happy jin day! I purple you all

Author: DiviMorais