I Won't Forgive Myself... (DirkJake Sadstuck)

Chapter 4

 It's been four months since you woke up. You went to physical therapy in order to get back your strength, but continued to visit Dirk every day after your training. You were perfectly healthy, so the doctors said. You had come out of the coma easily, without any damaging conditions. Even so, they wanted you to take precautions when resuming daily activities.

One of those activities would not be driving. You haven't touched a car since you woke up. Roxy and Jane had to persuade you to get on a train to go home, but even then, the movement of the train was almost too much for you.

Today, you were walking back to the hospital from the physical therapy center. It wasn't a long walk; only three blocks. Your therapist also said that walking would be good for you, and help you get your strength back.

You cross the street carefully, flinching as cars speed by you. You walk into the hospital, smiling at the receptionist as you pass her. She gives you a small smile as you pass her-she knows that you come in every day to see Dirk. You walk into the elevator, waiting patiently as it climbs each floor. It reaches Dirk's floor quickly, and you step out, briskly walking to his room.

"Knock knock," you say, opening the door and stepping inside. Dirk doesn't move, but you sit next to his bed. "It's our... 3rd anniversary today, Dirk. Roxy and Jane are on their way over now." You look down at the floor at the word anniversary. It still hurts to think about, and you go silent.

You take Dirk's hand in yours, holding it close to your chest. You look over him, seeing his improvement. Most of his bruises are gone, but he has new stitches on his chest. He had to get another surgery the other day, since his heart was in poor condition.

You look up, just in time to hear rapid beeping. You feel all the color drain from your face, as you get up and sprint to the emergency button on the wall. You nearly trip on a stray chair, ignoring it in that moment. You push the button, running back to Dirk's side.

"Dirk, please, answer me. You're going to be ok, right? I know you'll be ok, Jane and Roxy will be here soon and we can celebrate our anniversary. Please? Dirk, stay with me." You take his hand, ignoring the tears streaming down your face. "I never forgot our anniversary, you know? I want you to know that. I wanted to make the night special. I wanted to make you happy and surprise you when we got back. Please don't let this be another terrible anniversary."

You hear footsteps running from down the hall, and you hug Dirk close to you as the monitors scream in protest. The door bursts open as doctors and officials flood in, pulling you back from Dirk.

"Please, don't let him die." You sob, watching as they pull out medical equipment. The world spins, and you sit down in a nearby chair, watching, as they attempt to revive your husband. You hear the last monitor let out a shrill beep, as everyone stands back. You don't need to hear their words to know what happened.

"Dirk... I..." You walk up to his body slowly, collapsing on your knees. "I love you." You say, as you fall over, hearing Roxy and Jane burst into the room, if only to catch you from falling to your knees. For once, the heart monitor is silent.

You can barely breathe. Today is Dirk Strider's funeral. For once in your life, you feel as if the world is truly coming to an end.

After Dirk passed away, you lost it. You couldn't say proper sentences for a few hours, and Roxy spent that entire time sipping alcohol and hugging you. Jane was completely silent, taking an occasional sip from Roxy and staring out the window. You had taken the promise ring off of your finger, holding the last remnants of Dirk you had close to your chest.

You still wear that ring today, showing others that you still hadn't moved on from the tragedy that had occured in the hospital that day. You'll never get to tell Dirk you love him. You'll never get to say you were sorry. You'll never even know if he heard all of your babble before he died.

And maybe that's what hurts the most.

Dirk may have died thinking that he wasn't loved. Thinking he wasn't wanted. He would have never known you remembered your anniversary. That you still cared for him after you woke up. That nothing had changed in the time that you were married, only that you loved him more every day you woke up next to him.

Roxy and Jane stand next to you, each holding one of your hands. Roxy is silent, but you can still sense a faint smell of alcohol radiating off of her. Jane is thinner than you've ever seen her. You, well, you feel completely broken. All three of you cease to say anything as you walk to the front row of the chairs.

Dirk's funeral is held in a garden similar to the one you were married in. You requested it, since it's what he would've wanted.

The funeral passes by too quickly. Friends and family traveled from all over the world to speak and say things that they loved about him. You speak, choking on your words during your speech. People give you sympathetic handshakes when you return to your chair, and Roxy pulls you into a tight hug, gently smoothing down your hair.

After the ceremony ends, people are invited to come up and give their blessings to Dirk. His body seems almost peaceful, lying in his coffin. You, Jane, and Roxy stand their, your heads bent, as you hear people leaving.

"Dirk..." You start, and the two girls turn to look at you. "I never stopped loving you. Even if you can't hear me in this moment. Even if you've already moved on from me and have found another choice babe in heaven, know I still love you. And that, as long as I live, I'll never forgive myself. For as long as I stay in this cruel world, I won't forgive myself until you know that I love you, from the bottom of my heart."

[End of Chapter 4]

Author's Note: Well, we did it! I'll have to say, this is the first fanfiction I've ever actually completed! And I'm pretty proud of it, too! I hope you guys enjoyed it! Apologies that it's a little late and a little lengthy. I didn't expect it to be this long, but it still feels slightly unfinished. I might get around to writing an Epilogue for you guys that like a happy ending, if you guys liked the story! Hope you enjoyed it just as much as I did writing it :)