A beautiful feeling called... LOVE...

Lost in the city lights

All my life, I have been the ray of hope and whenever people lost courage, they have looked upon me for strength. Struggles have always been my biggest motivation cause they have made me who I am and I love facing challenges on a daily basis. I feel my life is meaningless if it has to be the same monotonous thing. I want thrill and action in life, excitement is what I search for and that's what is the reason for the success I have reached in life till now and many more laurels will be added to my name soon.
Just being me and enjoying each moment as it comes is my trade secret for living my life queen-sized. I don't care what the world thinks of me, "kuch toh log kahenge, logo ka kaam hai kehna" - till the time I am happy and I'm doing well for myself, unke baap ka kya jata hai and if suppose I land up in trouble, why the hell do they have to poke their nose into my life. My life is mine and I will live according to my terms. That's how it is and will always be...

That's the same 'fucking' thing I tell myself every day in the mirror.
But then I realise what a loser I am and what I have become...
The girl in the mirror also seems to be mocking at me and the lies I tell myself every single day, just trying to pick myself up from the remains of what was, a beautiful sculpture once.

Choked up, Horrified, Ugly, Terrified, Incompetent, Yearning for more and Adamant...
**try reading between the lines coz that's how I describe myself now...**

Coming from a small peaceful town, I always thought that city life was meant for me and it would be happening and amazing to be out and away from the nagging parents and relatives, who constantly tried to control my life. So, the moment I finished my board examinations, I started making plans and dreams of my ever so bright future. There was no stopping me. I just had had it all planned in my head – about what percentage I would get, where would I go, what would I do and what will I become..!
All sorted..!!
Little did I know that what was meant for me would soon be my drug, some thing that I would get addicted to, would give me a high for sometime and then would rip me off my smile as a inject more and more of it. Making me just so elevated from the real world that I would love to keep them away.
Moving out of the town, I was ready for my new life, my new career opportunities and my growth.
I decided on taking admissions into one of the colleges which would give me an all round development and also thought that I would engage myself in some other activities while I prepare for my competitive exams. I know it would sound tough but it was meant for me. I was hard-working and was ready for challenges then. And I had it all planned. I didn't ever need a Plan B cause I knew I would achieve it.
So life went on smooth for a few days and I actually managed to live up to everything I had planned and all things were now going according to the way I had always wanted. Studies, bang on and I knew I would be able to cope up. Never knew when time passed and I was up for my competitive exams as well. The moment I held my paper, I knew it was easy and started off. No wonder I was sky high, but my world crashed in seconds. I had solved everything a lot of times and I knew the solutions but I felt as if the answers were wrong, didn't seem that my answers would be wrong. I just wasn't able to understand what was going on. All answers and working were different from the options given. Even in the normal questions, I felt, I was missing out something and wasn't confident. This was not what I had expected. I felt like the world just swept under my feet and I was left in vacuum. Anyhow, I managed to get over with my paper and got out from the suffocating environment of the examination hall. Probably it was the worst day of my life.
Not as such , coz the worst was about to come.
After that day, my life took a U-turn, one failure was enough to break me down. Breaking down is just an understatement I lost myself that day. I lost myself in the quicksand of reality which knocked me down and told me I was worthless. Worthless as anyone can be. The next few days I was succumbed to my own evils and I needed no one, I actually needed no one to make me feel low. I was doing just when a job in making my self feel incompetent. And this was sure to continue father day is done two months and I started preparing myself and trying to get myself my smile and my confidence back.
No, life wasn't going to be so easy on me now. I was shattered like hell. I had prepared profusely for this again but the only thing I liked majorly why is my confidence and when it comes to surviving, confidence is the key, it is the most important thing and I didn't have it at all. I was just too broke into rise again. I wanted to drown rather than survive and I actually wanted to run away from everything. I didn't even want to speak to my friends or relatives coz the only thing I fear they would ask was 'How my life was going on' and I seriously am clueless. I myself don't have any idea about what is going on so I didn't have any answer. All I wanted right now was to transform myself magically into a bear and hide myself in hibernation so that I forgot the world and the world would leave me alone for sometime. At least till the time I figured everything out. That isn't possible and I know it can't happen but what's the problem in wishing something like that.
The only magic that can happen is me and I had stopped believing in magic. I am not ready to pick myself. I'm sick and tired of pulling myself down and I want to pick myself up but I feel I cannot. You know what I'm going to do now...

No, you guessed it wrong...

I'm going to cry..! I'm going to cry for a while till all the negativity drains out so that I can get rid of the burden that's pulling me down and I can rise.
And I will..!!
If you ask me now how I seriously still don't have any clue but I know I'll figure out something even if it requires extensive work out of the brain. Until then, just prepare yourself to see a bright light shining over you... ...

Birds often don't learn to fly on their first go, but they never fear coz they know they are born to fly.. sometimes to fly you need to let go off the inhibitions that keep you from taking the plunge..
So I will take the plunge knowing that this time my wings will open...

Ending it with a few quotes:
She kept her smile with a confidence to slay,
She conquered hearts along the way,
Big were her dreams and her efforts were true,
She had conquered more than the world ever knew...

Aiming for the stars went by her days,
Innocent was her heart and subtle were her ways,
Stronger she became when reality she did face,
Situations became tough but she carried on with grace...

All she wanted were moments to smile,
All she yearned for was to accomplish her dreams,
She knew it was tough but she had to move,
There were times her dreams didn't let her sleep,
Knowing that people would pull her down,
She gave her all to reach to the top...
Then one day...
All her dreams turned to reality and all her efforts were paid off...