Midnight Memories

I'm Trying

I don't want this to be the end. I want to talk and work this all out.

I've spent the last few years being the organizer. I always had to figure out the times for me to hang out with friends. I always got turned down when they couldn't come back to see me or when they had to work. I spent so much time being that person that I got tired. So emotionally tired that I gave up.

I understand where you are coming from when you say you feel like I don't have time for you but you can't wait until you're ready to give up to tell me that. How is that fair? How does that give me time to fix it. I'm here and I want to fix it. I want this to work and relationships take work. Sometimes I won't be able to hang out and sometimes you won't be able to hang out and sometimes it may be a week of us missing each other. And we have to accept that. We absolutely do not have to be okay with that! But sometimes it will happen.

Yes I could have talked to you about me coming over and doing school stuff. Yes I could have said I'm mowing in the morning but I can do something after, we can play that game all day long but it will get us nowhere. I've put a few things together in the last 24 hours. You need quality time and I need words and action which literally anyone who knows me should agree with because of how much faith I've put in what people say and of course the fact that I have a huge issue with my father literally never saying he's proud of me. I need the " I love you"s I need the compliments I need the reassurance. You need the time. I get that. It took me a bit to figure out. But I did. And just because we have our different ways doesn't mean we won't work, it means we need to understand and meet those needs.

I've done a bad job with that and I'm sorry. I'm gonna do what I can to fix that.

For the last week I have been telling myself to stop letting my past affect how I go about relationships now. I'm trying.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about "when can I go stay with him?" "When can I go over there to hang out?" I don't always want you to be driving to me. That's shitty and I know it. I'm trying to figure it out. I don't know how many times I can say I'm trying before it's redundant and you start to think that I'm just saying it. I'm not.

I love you and it's taken so long for us to get here and I don't want to give up yet.