Was it Worth It?

9. Grief Never Fades

i'M bACk and incredibly jet lagged also this chapter is very dry, sorry about that. ~Alex

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Despite all that's happened Arthur kept to his word, two days after Gaius died he lifted Merlin's banishment and made him his manservant again. Even if Merlin is missing his usual smile and happy demeanor, Arthur is glad that he has his best friend back. Without Gaius there seems to be a hole in everyone's hearts, yet no one knows how to fill it. Gaius had touched the souls of so many people, and now he is gone.

People tend to say that time heals all wounds, or that things will get better, but they're lying. They force themselves to believe those lies because they feel they have to; after all, what's the point in living if you don't have hope? Life never gets easier, the grief never fades, the intrusive thoughts don't leave, and the nightmares will never stop. It does not get better, you just get better at dealing with it.

It has been a couple weeks since Gaius died, and Merlin still hasn't gone into his chambers. Instead he sleeps in the servants chambers attached to Arthur's room, he barely even made a snide comment on how it has been there this whole time yet he never knew. Merlin also suffers from nightmares, his brain constantly replaying the scene over and over, torturing him for not getting there sooner. Maybe he could've blocked the spell, or maybe he could've been hit instead. He only had one thought that kept him going, revenge. Morgana needed to suffer for the things she has done not only to him, but to Arthur, to Gwen, to everyone.

The hunt for a new court physician was moving slowly, no one wanted to replace Gaius but the kingdom needs a physician. Men and woman from all across the land come to try out, but most are sacked within the first week. Eirenne is the eighth physician to try out for the job, and so far she is the most promising. She shows great skill in diagnosing and treating both illnesses and wounds, and she is very friendly towards everyone. Even Merlin is starting to like her, it's almost as if she has this aura of calm around her. Gwaine likes her because she's 'the prettiest girl he's ever seen,' but Eirenne is doing a very good job at ignoring his advances. She is in her late 20s, has shoulder length brown hair, a pale complexion with freckles dotted across the bridge of her nose, and sea green eyes. Although she is rather short she can be fairly intimidating if needed, Gwaine learned that the hard way when he tried to flirt with her for the fifth time.

Currently, Eirenne, the knights, and the members of the court were standing in the throne room, awaiting to hear if Eirenne was going to be selected or sacked like everyone else. The air was tense, and Merlin didn't know how to feel. He liked Eirenne more than anyone else who had tried, but she was no Gaius. Arthur, however, knew what he had to do.

"Eirenne, I hereby announce you Court Physician. You may move your things into the physicians chambers as soon as possible, you start immediately." Eirenne's face broke out into an elated smile, and the crowd erupted in applause. Merlin shrank back into the shadows, even though he was happy for her he still felt that ache in his chest, the constant reminder that Gaius was gone. Sure, he had lost people in the past, but losing Gaius was by far the worst loss of all. There are reminders of him everywhere, in the corridors, out in the courtyard, in the throne room, everywhere. Merlin didn't know how to manage his grief, so he was consumed by it.

The next few days were full of congratulations and celebrations for Eirenne's new position, Merlin tried to seem happy but Arthur knew something was upsetting him. It was his mistake in assuming that replacing Gaius was the cause. Today was the anniversary of Freya's death. Merlin knew that he had to visit Freya, it had been too long. He waited until nightfall before sneaking out of the castle, making sure that no one was following him this time.