yellow

one year

one year ago i met the boy that changed my life. not in a good way, not in the way that you think. he's the only person that i have ever met that can make the words "i love you" hurt. i wish at the beginning i had known that he didn't mean anything he said. maybe if i had known from the start it wouldn't have hurt as bad. or maybe if i had better friends who told me what his intent was sooner, rather than waiting until it seemed like i was really in love with him. after a year i think that i've grown a whole lot. now i know that "i love you" isn't always the truth, and people can lie and maybe you'll never know. there's a lot of things i'll never know. one of those being why he decided that i was the girl he would break. or maybe he decided that a girl with the fragility of a flower but the strength of a hammer was too much for him. just another thing i'll never know, i guess. i wonder if he still thinks about me. or even if he does this stuff to other girls and no one's safe from the games of a teenage boy. i've learned that it takes more out of me to fall out of love than it does to fall in love, and that maybe i can't forget about him and that's okay. i'm grateful for my few friends that i can still trust, because now full trust is something i can rarely give. i'm beyond thankful for my best friend, because when i really did feel like no one could love me she wiped away my tears and told me how much she loves me. and everything she has told me can never go forgotten, and i really hope that she knows that. i've learned that when a teenage boy calls you "obsessive" it's because he doesn't want commitment in any relationship. it's because he's shallow and he can't reciprocate the love you have for him. and if you realize these things, you need to take off the rose-colored glasses of love and tell yourself that you deserve better. because now, i know that i deserved better than what i had with him. i deserve more than "i miss you" texts at 3 am and so do you. i'm writing this because i know that there are other people who are going to need to hear this. and i know that it hurts but i'm okay now. obviously i didn't forget about it, and it still hurts when i see his face or hear his name. and maybe it will forever. but i want you to know that if i'm okay now you can be okay too. even if people are telling you to just "let go" it takes time. and it's okay to take your time. i watched everything speed by me and i felt like i was stuck in time, and stuck in love with him. but now i'm done and i'm okay. it's been a year and i'm okay.