~Drowning in thoughts~ { Dear Evan Hansen }

The First Day

Chapter 1

Jared P.o.V.

It was silent.
I was only able to hear a faint echo of the clock in my room, ticking.
Ticking.
Ticking.
Why was I even trying to make any sort of change? Every time I did, the feeling i received would fade away as soon as it appeared, but more importantly, was it worth it? Slowly, they'd move on. Get over you. Be able to handle things themselves, I was just a toy or some sort of anti-depressant you could turn to whenever you felt like trash, somebody you could be sure would compliment you and would try making you feel better or just make you forget the negativity for some time. A distraction. But why have a distraction when there is nothing to be distracted from?
Exactly, that would be pointless, I was pointless.
I sat up, my movements made it seem like i was tired, yet that was the exact opposite. I felt as awake as ever, aware of everything happening, yet there was a difference from this and feeling alive. I was alive, I was quite sure, given away by my more or less consistent breathing and heartbeat. But my Body felt heavy, like i would need ages to lift up my upper body and then take a break to catch my breath, which was the case right now, My breathing wasn't all that steady anyways.
The room was quiet, except for the clock i would just have to listen to the sobs escaping my mouth from time to time while the tears won't stop streaming down my cheeks. I didn't even bother to wipe them away anymore, i was aware they wouldn't stop. I managed to get up, holding my head when I got dizzy.
I should try to hydrate myself more, eat healthier, get more sunlight, exercise. All of those things were empty suggestions, meaning that there no real concern hiding behind them.
I had nobody who would give a fuck about how I was doing either way.
As soon as I felt a little more comfortable standing my poor excuse of a human being decided to look into the mirror, only to check how horrible I did on a scale from 1 to 10, well, at least how it looked like from the outside, how I looked on the inside was a whole different range. I wiped over my eyes with the back of my hand and looked into the mirror, it honestly wasn't any different from what I was expecting.
I was trying my best not to tear up. My eyes had bags under them and stared at the rest of my reflection. My clothes were a little baggy on me like always, I had no socks on or whatsoever, feeling the sensation of my soft carpet underneath. My gaze wandered up to my hands, my fingernails bitten, whilst the rest of my hand and arm were pretty much covered by my sleeves.
I looked into my eyes again.
My brown hair was messy and greasy as I hadn't washed it in quite a few days, i didn't know what time it was. My blinds were shut down and i haven't had a glance at my phone.
The thought of them texting me made the tears flow even more, holding a hand in front of my mouth as I was trying to stop my sobbing.
I hadn't been to school yet, even though it had started about three days ago.
I had been out of the hospital for a week now but I still didn't think that I'd be able to face them, yet I would have to today, I wasn't really keeping track of time and looked at my phone, blinded by the brightness of the screen.
I fixed my glasses and looked at the time, I had about another two hours before i had to get ready. I took a deep breath and forced myself to smile, wiping away tears one last time “Alright Kleinman, nobody needs to know what happened, you'll just pretend everything is like usual and you had the honor being sick when school started“
My smile faded away as I finished talking to myself, getting hit by the pathetic truth once again, which is that I was just a coward who wasn't able to show any kind of weakness, funnily enough was this Jared Kleinman's favorite kind of personality treat to make fun of. Spring break only lasted for two weeks but it felt like months, days and days of thoughts, once I got lost I felt like I was drowning, not able to get out.
I looked at my phone again and saw a text message I wished I hadn't seen. A painful smile appeared on my face when I read it
'Why weren't you at school?'
Usually I wouldn't give a fuck about any of those messages, knowing they didn't actually care or want a real reason but I probably wanted to believe that at least he cared the tiniest bit about my whereabouts, we had been so called 'Family Friends' for many years.
I decided not to tap on my chat with Evan Hansen.
I was probably wrong.
I was the asshole, always playing the jerk whenever I was at school or around him, though it didn't always work because why would it?
It's not like I was some sort of robot. Maybe it was the other way around and I was toying with him but who knows, maybe he finally saw what asshole I was and just finally wanted to tell me how much I actually suck, I shook off this thought and grabbed my headphones, playing some edgy rock music on my totally not iPhone.
I grabbed some clothes and got ready for school. After approximately half an hour I finished eating my breakfast which consisted of a glass of water and some painkillers, my phone in one hand and using the other to shoulder my bag.
I could already feel the countless stares I'd be getting, not only because of me missing the first days but also because you could tell I hadn't been getting enough rest lately, yet I decided to worry about this a little later.
I walked outside, having to take the bus sucked ass but I had no other choice since my parents chose not to let me drive my car to school. I opened the front door and fixed my hair one last time before I walked outside, slandering through the streets with a big fake grin and a completely practiced and staged walk which faked my non existent self-confidence even more.
I was standing at the bus stop when my blue eyes met with the gaze of the blonde boy I knew way too well

{ I hope you liked it so far! It will get a little less depressing in the next chapters, this was just a little more descriptive but let me know if it's good that way! Have a nice day people }