~Drowning in thoughts~ { Dear Evan Hansen }

On the Outside

Chapter 3

Jared PoV

I clenched my teeth and my world started spinning.
I was feeling dizzy, my stomach feeling like I got hit a hundred times. I tried my best to keep up with my stupid facade, acting like I didn't notice the two of them at all.
I got into a seat somewhere behind them, dropping my bag and sitting down. How did they even get to know each other so well?! They are like fucking buddies now...wasn't that hard to find someone better than me I suppose…
I silently sighed, who would want me to be with them anyway, I was treating him like shit.
It still hurt to see how easily the closed off boy was able to get better friends with Connor Murphy than with him, Jared who he had met through their parents at age six. Eleven motherfucking years, thrown out of the window.
The conflict inside of him grew, painfully that it was his fault, not Evans, yet he felt bad knowing Evan now acquired a people standard which excluded the giant jerk Jared Kleinman. I really just was a piece of trash, trying my best to fit in yet I was too shitty for people to like me but somehow too persistent to get rid off without being annoying either. I guess I am even doing a horrible job when it comes to being me as well.
Seriously, who the actual fuck would call the only other person showing the slightest interest in his interest a 'Family Friend' to avoid showing too much affection and to prevent poor Jared from getting hurt, more like prevent Evan from getting hurt.
How could I hurt him you might ask, then let me tell you what happened last-
I was caught off guard and inhaled air sharply when someone put a hand on my shoulder as I looked around, a smiling Alana standing directly next to me, of course she was the one who noticed, desperately wanting Evan to pay attention to me I smiled back at the brown eyed girl “Alana, hey! What's up?”
She raised an eyebrow but kept smiling “Hey Jared! Is everything okay?” She asked, yet I wasn't able to hear any hint of worry in her voice. She was the class representative, it was her duty to ask depressed losers like me if they, I don't know, were about to stab themselves. I would if I could, yet I didn't need her forced caring, at all.
“I am just tired, no need to worry about me”
I told her a really believable lie as I really was tired, a slight headache also mentioned “I guess I have not completely gotten rid of my fever”
I hated being a good liar. I hated being able to bottle up my feelings. I felt like I was about to burst any second.
I watched her turn around and walk back to a small group of girls, them glancing into my direction for a split second but quickly turning away. I looked up when our teacher, Mr. Nolan, entered the room and checked absence, noticing that I was there and smiling at the “Oh look, Jared Kleinman, blessing us with his presence” I grinned back “Bet it got boring without me” I joked and heard a few laughs throughout the class. I was usually funnier than this...this wasn't like me at all!
I couldn't help but to gaze at Connor, him and Evan were talking, not even paying attention to what was happening , they totally had no reason as they were too busy with each other.
This was the moment. I never wanted to kill myself more than in this very second.
I would only have to...what would I even do?
I rested my head on my hand and stared straight forward, pretending to pay attention. This felt like one of the longest lessons I had ever gone through, scared that each and every one of them would feel like this. Trying to listen to the teachers.
Voices turning to mumbles. Mumbling turns into rustling, which then turned into distant echoes, barely audible.
My thoughts seemed to overpower anything and everything else.
It all changed when the bell rang and I got aware of what would happen next. I would try talking to Evan and he would ignore me. Or tell me to fuck off and never speak to him again. He'd finally notice who I was and tell me, face-to-face. I was getting ready for the worst to happen when I stood up and put my shit back into my bag when I noticed Evan walking towards me.
Now it's time for me to finally get what I deserve.
Or he just faked worry as he probably was feeling guilty about not paying any kind of attention to me...exept for this morning at the bus stop. This might even have been the last time he really talked to me. He- nonono wait. That wouldn't be like him, he wasn't someone like that...right?
He would not just replace me with Connor. We were still Family Friends. I was slightly shaking, overthinking the situation as I was usually.
I looked up at him and grinned "What's up, Tree Boy?" I asked with a smirk on my face, seeing Evan's expression softening up a bit. He definetly had a bad conscience, but would he admit to it?
"We wanted to ask you if you'd be fine eating with us at lunch Break now" I watched the movements of his lips, not able to look into his eyes.
We. They. He and Connor. They asked ME to sit with them at lunch. Of course it had to sound forced. Thank you. Who was I thanking? There was nobody, yet i just desperately needed someone to blame. This had to have a reason.
"Sure thing, man" i nodded and smiled, grabbing my things.
Maybe they can give me the final push all together, that'd be less epic but a little more effective? I was walking next to him, he was walking between me and Connor. It was pretty shitty to get jealous, but what the fuck was i supposed to do?! I felt like playing asshole and just cutting him out of my life, yet it'd hurt so much more seeing him being fine without me than having him feel trashy with me.
I glanced at Connor, he also seemed just way , like happier than two months ago. He always had been pretty slim but now his weight got somehow more healthy, at least that's what it looked like.
I didn't even bother to try and be healthy, sure, when nobody was looking i'd act different than in public. I'd either have those weeks where I'd try to starve and afterwards those where all of my frustration led to me eating massive amounts of food. I was chubby and shit which maybe was caused by this crap but why would I care? I could never admit to myself that I did. Or to Evan. Or my Parents. I'll lie to them anyways, they know nothing and it's good that way. They shouldn't know what's going on, i wouldn't want them to 'worry'.
God i sound like a edgy teenager, which i totally was, fuck.
I snapped out of my overthinking when we arrived at the cafeteria. We took a seat. I didn't want to sit next to Evan as Connor did already to his left, so I sat across the table.
A horrible choice, really, they could now look at me eat all they want. I felt my insecurity growing but just casually fixed my glasses instead. We all pulled out lunchbags and started eating, well, Connor and me both seemed to hold back a bit.
"By the way Hansen, how did you two get to know each other so well?"
I smirked and winked at Evan. It was weird. Having to sit with Connor, who I used to make fun of. A lot. He even threatened me with killing himself so how the fuck did he not hold Evan back from asking me to sit with them? I noticed Evan getting nervous, i could tell by the look in his eyes, yet looking jn his eyes was my next mistake on this Thursday.
"We uhm like, met at the Clinic"
He smiled just slightly and looked down a bit.
Shit.