~Drowning in thoughts~ { Dear Evan Hansen }

Facade

Chapter 2

Jared PoV

I watched him get off of his bike, walking towards me. Shit, the last thing I needed right now was human interaction, especially not with Evan fucking Hansen.
I nodded into his direction “'sup, Hansen” I loosely spoke, the grin still on my face when I started to get into character more. “Hey...Jared” He wore a small smile when he greeted me “Did you uh, get my messages? You know, because you haven't been at eh school” I raised an eyebrow “So now you're wondering what the magnificent Jared Kleinman could have been up to? Looks like I got a fanclub, no thank you” I sneered at his statement “I had some fucking nice holidays, was around a lot you know, just spending some time with the family having a great time. No wonder I caught the flu, having that much fun should be forbidden, dude” I snickered and punched his arm “i mean.. yeah, sure”
I knew that in this exact second, this very heartbeat, he was recalling his own. I clicked my tongue to distract myself from the awkward silence, I really didn't want to talk to him, yet I felt lost without him, after all good old pathetic me was all alone most times anyways. Evan probably felt the exact same way but I didn't want it to be true. It'd make me feel even more horrible about all of this drama I am making, well, not like I hated myself enough anyways. Was there even any way to upgrade? I wasn't too sure of this fact until I tried, yet I was forced out of my thoughts when the green eyed carefully put his hand on my shoulder “...Jared? Your bus” I quickly shook my head “I'm not blind, just thought about how much of a great time I was having! Guess I got too caught up, huh?” with a quick pat on his back I got into the bus, my grin slowly disappearing, why would I pressure myself to smile when nobody was watching? It's not like faking happiness would make me less of an ass.
I was still confused, remembering how much Evan usually hated human contact, the only people allowed to touch him him were his mom and he'd eventually flinched whenever I did yet never told me to stop, or did he? This sounded slightly sexual, wow, I can make everything seem wrong I guess. Was it a talent to be proud of? Not really, no. I was still slightly confused, something else I noticed was the bandages. It seemed like his arm had healed over the last two weeks since they were gone. But honestly, who fell out of a tree? I made way too many jokes about that already yet the truth was, that I worried about him, not a lot, but still quite a bit.
But I was a coward, a dumb, useless coward which was only good for making others feel either like crap or a little better, the second option was my far more rare than the other. Honestly, I was disgusting. I wasn't lying whenever I said it because it was the painful truth, I was a simple People-Pleaser, way too insecure and focused on what other people were thinking of me. I freaked out whenever someone was looking at me in confusement, disgust, anger or even all of the above. I didn't tell anyone or give any hints, show any signs, nothing. I could never ruin this image I created, everything would come breaking down, suffocating me, all of my lies piling up.
I gulped, trying to get away from these thoughts, at least until I was home again as there was nobody that gave the slightest fuck about my feelings. They simply felt bad, tried to change so I'd be acceptable. I mean seriously, who would want somebody like me to be their son? You put all your effort into raising your child and it ends up being a huge fucked up piece of depression, feels like shit. And it hurts, not only for them. Just the thought of their reaction hurt. Everything just hurt. I am even hurting Evan, daily. I was aware, not like this was some surprising discovery, everybody is aware of they hurt somebody, at least to an extent, doesn't matter if we deny it or not but i doesn't change the facts.
It was too hard to stand up for myself, how could i stand up for something I did on purpose? I couldn't, i just was not able to admit to Evan that I was wrong, that i had so many Imperfections, this wasn't who he knew. He knew Jared Kleinman, he had known him for years. I was distracted by the sound of the door opening, taking my bag and leaving the bus, a smile on my face, like Always. I couldn't deny that this was not who I am, but it was. But it's not me. It'd take too long to describe my thoughts and explain what it felt like, i could probably write a motherfucking book series about it: 'The Life of A Pathetic Pretender'. That would fit just perfectly.
I got out of the disgusting vehicle which was way too hot. Seriously, who decided to out a heater in there but no air conditioners?! Glad to be outside again I made my way to the front gate, noticing Evan's bike at the entrance, the tall male standing next to it. I decided to make a joke indicating on how his holidays went, really thrown off by his more, lets say social behavior? Evan and social in one sentence, Jesus fucking Christ, something must have happened.
I walked over when a slender guy with dark clothing walked over to him.
I stopped.
Bang, it felt like a hit into the stomach. I stood still, people walking past me, their steps ringing in my head. They greeted each other with a fist bump, that brown haired boy laughing while Evan smiled. Bang.
A hit in the face.
Of course it hurt, all of it hurt. Seeing him happy? Pain. Seeing him sad? Pain. Being without him? Pain. Being with him? Pain. I was taken back a few weeks, my head playing it all over again. I shook it off and continued walking, trying my best to play it cool. Jared Kleinman, the guy you can't please, no matter what you do. I kept walking, straight past Evan and Connor.
Connor fucking Murphy replaced me. Replaced.
Bang, another hit.
My heart was beating faster than before. I felt like running, moving, just getting away. I could feel the adrenaline rushing through my veins, getting slight goosebumps while opening the door to my locker. My legs felt like rocks, no, even something heavier, All I wished for was for them to pull me into the ground so I was not able to get back onto the surface.
I put the grin back on my face, grabbing some textbooks and closing my locker, making my way to the classroom. I had to look a little since the classrooms were switched, yet found it pretty quickly. I opened the door and my breath stopped for two second when I saw the two of them, now don't get me wrong, I don't have a thing against Connor Murphy, but wow.
As I saw them sitting there together I was sure, not only was he in my usual seat next to Evan but also at my place.