random thoughts

pt. 5 - what if nothing had ever changed?

what if nothing had ever changed? Where would we be now?

At the moment I am sitting in a dark room again, writing this on my phone. The small light is shining against my tired eyes and all I can think about is the time we had together. Every night before I go to sleep, I am asking myself what would be if we haven't changed? If we stood together the whole time, what if you didn't do the mistakes you did and I didn't do the mistakes I did? Maybe we would still be happy with each other.
The thoughts that are haunting me every night are killing me inside. I am dreaming about what happened in the past. Then I wake up, crying, because nothing is the same anymore. We changed a lot, we took different ways to embrace ourselves. And now one thing I remember is, that we always said that we would stay together forever. And back then I believed in it, for real. I believed in it, the time passed and my way of thinking changed. I knew that nothing was forever. I knew that not even our friendship would last forever. But I didn't wanted to hurt you. Now I know it was a mistake, my mistake was to give you hope. Maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe I was hoping that our friendship is an exception and it could really last forever but I am completely sure that nothing really lasts forever.
It makes me sad. It makes me sad to see you, how you are behaving now and how you've changed from back then. In the past you were so lively, full of joy, happiness, feelings, emotions. You laughed you talked so much and you always had to say something. Now you don't say a word, when we're together there is just silence. Not the silence we had back then, not the silence we could enjoy with each other, now it's that awkward silence which I never thought we would have it in between us. Maybe you're not looking on what is going on like I am, but I am sad. Sad about how we changed. You were such an important part in my life and now you're not. I want you to come into my life again, but you can't, there is no place for someone "like you". To be honest, I loved you so much back then, I'm sure you knew.

I miss you, my unlucky love.