random thoughts

pt. 11 - that moment

Sitting in my blue room right now.
Listening to sad songs.
Going through my camera roll.
A pic of you.
My heart stands still for a second.
On this pic you look as cute as always.
I took it without you knowing because
I remember you always hiding when I was pointing my camera at you.

That moment broke my heart,
I miss you so much.

The last days were a really hard rollercoaster for me, but I managed to get through it
Now it hits me again and that's just because of a picture, I didn't expect. I would be lying if I said I haven't looked at the photos you've sent me back then. But I didn't feel as much as I did in that moment.
In that moment
The moment where everything flashed through my eyes.
Where I first saw your beautiful face
When I started to fall in love with you slowly. Can you believe that it's almost been a year since we first talked?
I can imagine everything perfectly because you were so important to me from the beginning. I wanted you more than anything else and I think that's what kills me now. That was my mistake.

But back to that moment
At that moment I remembered so many things we've gone through.
The evenings we spent skyping, where we just sat there, talking, laughing, staring at each other. I was happy, full of love.
And then,
The nights we kept talking till 4 am, those typical late night conversations. I adored them over everything. And after that I couldn't sleep because my head was still thinking about you. There were nights I couldn't sleep till the sun rose, I just couldn't wait for you to wake up again and accompany me through my day.
After every conversation we had I thought about how much I really loved you. How much I believed in the "we" we had. How much I imagined that I found my "for ever" in you. I really wanted it, no matter what. I loved you.

And now in that moment where you pop up on my phone screen I feel pain.
All the memories I connect with you cut my heart into little pieces. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing negative. It really isn't. I guess?
I appreciate every memory we share with each other, I really do. What hurts is just that I can't have them ever again, not with you.
We just stopped at some point.
I know it was before you broke up with me
We just stopped skyping every week.
Stopped laughing, stopped talking, stopped staring.
We just stopped texting till 4 am. Stopped our wonderful late night conversations, which I adored over everything.
But you know, I never stopped thinking about you till the sun rose. I never stopped waiting for you to text me so that you can accompany me through my day. But there were days where that just didn't happen. You didn't.
You didn't text me.
And I think that's when everything began to stop. I started to think that I shouldn't be that clingy. That everything I was doing shouldn't be like that. Our time as the newly lovey dovey couple was over. It wasn't because something was off, it was because we stopped being "like that".
Maybe I knew it deep down somewhere. But I just didn't want to accept it.
I didn't want to lose you. You were so precious to me and I was hoping for my predictions to not be true.
But they were. And that's when everything stopped
That moment.
Where everything came to an end.
And where are we now? What are we now? You and I are minding our own businesses. We stopped texting everyday. We stopped talking till 4 am. We stopped skyping.
We stopped loving each other in some kind of special way

But let me tell you one truth

I didn't stop loving you