The Queen & Her King (sequel to the princess & the lost boy) Completed

Chapter 23 - No Going Back

(Ashlynn's P.O.V.)

"How are the boys?" I inquired, glancing over at Pan who was sharpening his dagger.
He had been disappointed when I told him that I wanted to spend the night at camp instead of returning to Neverland immediately like he wanted. I could see it in his face that he didn't understand why I would want to spend another night within Camelot's borders, but he had agreed to stay one more night after a few moments of hesitation. He didn't understand back then on Neverland or even now. He would never quite understand my motives for wanting to spend another night.
I could see it every time he would glance over at me. He still wanted the scared fifteen year old girl that had arrived in Neverland so many years ago that had given up her throne for a life with him. But that was before I knew that it wasn't a wasteland like he had said it was. Before I knew that my mother hadn't taken over the throne yet because she had been looking for me. For three long years. Everything changed though when I returned from Neverland.
Even though I loved—love—Pan, it's not as if I can just abandon my kingdom once more. Not when my people need me now more than ever. At the hand of my mother, the kingdom would surely fall. Once the people realized I was dead, she would have a riot on her hands. It wouldn't take long for my mother to start slaughtering innocent people or even destroying their livelihoods if it meant forcing them to bow down and serve her. She would use fear to get what she viewed as respect.
There is no going back to the way things once were. As far as it was concerned, once I made my appearance I would be put back on the throne of Camelot. There is no abstaining from a kingdom that needs a sane ruler to govern the people. My mother is already insane enough as it is. Looking back at all the memories of the time I shared with her under the tiene diaga, I could see the craziness in her eyes. She'd get this look whenever I would mention Pan as if she wanted him dead with a passion or maybe it was because she thought she was losing her grip on me...who knows?
She has to be stopped.
My uncle and father understood that. She ranted and raved about how my uncle was a curse on this land like my grandfather Uther. Perhaps that was even true in the sense that he refused to lift the law regarding magic, but I knew that everything he ever did as King was trying to bring about a United Kingdom. To bring about a time of peace and prosperity where everyone was respected regardless of rank. And if he had traveled to Neverland to retrieve me and get rid of my memories with my father, then obviously he knew about magic and did nothing to execute my father. He had to have seen that not all magic was evil. The only reason I could think of that would have prevented him from uplifting the law was my mother and her using magic for only evil. Because in reality, my mother is a plague upon this land. From every story I have ever heard about Uther and even my mother along with the time spent with her, I could see now that was true.
She is more like Uther than I think she even realizes.
Then again, I suppose we are all like our parents in someway.
If I had been raised by her instead of my uncle and aunt, who knows what I would have become? I could have become just like her and not see anything wrong with what I was doing. Just how I was for a short period I suppose under her spell. Guess I should have been more grateful that my father had taken me away from her. Spending those years in Sarrum's pit certainly didn't help her. Only twisted her mind even more until she spun so far deep down a dark hole that there would be no way to even climb up out of it.
Once she realized that I was no longer on her control if she hadn't already realized it already, she would try and unleash the Dorocha herself. She would sacrifice anyone she could get her hands on if that was what it took. Everyone would rue the day that the veil was opened between the worlds. And with the timeframe closing, she would do it as soon as she could when she came to terms with the fact that I was never going to go anywhere near the Isle of the Blessed and wouldn't even think about sacrificing Pan.
Samuel and everyone else that despised magic with a passion would have to be dealt with accordingly but not with war. Not by slaughtering people. That doesn't solve anything. Especially not by using magic. Using it for selfish deeds all to end the war on magic only made matters worse. All that I had learned about over the past several years attested to that. The purge on magic by Uther, Uther slaughtering hundreds of people because they had magic, Arthur maintaining Uther's ban, fighting the war on sorcery, and Morgana using magic to cleanse the earth of those that saw magic as evil by only proving how it can be used that way.
"I'm uncertain," Pan said, snapping me out of my thoughts, "I haven't communicated with them for several weeks. Mainly I'm hoping that Felix hasn't gone out of his mind and killed the new recruits I sent his way."
I chuckled softly at that image.
"Why do you ask?"
"Oh, um, I don't know. I guess I was just wondering. I haven't seen them for a long time is all. Funny enough I think I actually miss Felix. Even though he treated me horribly."
"That's Felix for you. He can be a jerk to newcomers, but that's only because he doesn't trust people automatically. He can't. It's been wired into him from everything that he's gone through. But when he gets used to you, he'll be the best friend you could ever have."
I smiled at how he appeared so happy when talking about Felix.
"He's like a brother to you, isn't he?"
"He is, yes," he turned slightly to stare at me, "He's the only one of the lost boys that knows why I need the heart of the truest believer. Everyone else thinks it's to save Neverland, but it isn't. He's the only one that I can trust. The brother I never had. He understands better than anyone. Well, apart from you that is. He's my right hand. Takes care of everything without question. He knows what I'm thinking before I even have to tell him."
"How did you come to know Felix?"
"I visited this place where he and his brother resided. I saw what his father did to him and his brother. More so to him. Anytime Rufio would get in trouble, Felix would step in and do something worse to earn his father's wrath. It kept going on for a few nights. With each night that passed I wanted to step in and rip out their father's heart and crush it, but every time I thought about going in there would always be someone there stopping me. Until the last night they ever spent there. Rufio had snuck out a few hours before as I found out when he snuck back in and was caught by their father. Their father wasn't happy and pulled out this long jagged knife. I almost thought their father would kill Rufio but then Felix lunged out from the shadows, knocking his father to the ground, and then proceeded to pummel him. And then his father took a swipe at him with the knife and cut him. The cut was fairly long. All the way from his eyebrow around the eye to the middle of cheek, just stopping a few inches from his lips."
I looked away, unsure of what to say.
"It was far worse than it is now, but the cut was all their father needed to flip Felix over. I was sure that he was about to kill his son even when Rufio tried to step in but was only knocked to the ground. I snuck in and just as their father lifted the blade up I ripped out the man's shadow. I can still remember the looks on both of their faces. Both were incredibly grateful but also incredibly worried wondering what they would do with their father dead. Until I told them that they could come to Neverland with me. That we could be a family," he paused, a small smile creeping up on his lips. "They were the first boys I brought to Neverland with me."
"I'm sorry that I messed everything up with Rufio for you. It must have been hard since you also saved him."
"Rufio wasn't the one that I wanted to save," he admitted. "He wasn't the one that earned my respect. Felix did. Felix is the reason why I killed their father. He reminded me of myself when I lived under the roof of my father. All I had ever wanted was to be free. I never got that chance, but I could give it to him. That's all I ever wanted for these boys. To give them freedom from their miserable lives. To give them a real family. To make sure that they never had to be alone again. Never felt like they were unloved."
"I know you hide behind this mask that you're this villain to be feared," I said, taking hold of his hand, "that you're this ruthless monster that doesn't care, but I know that's not true. You are a good man. You have a good heart. I can see that. I was wrong to call you a monster."
"What makes you think that?"
"Because a true monster wouldn't care about the pain he inflicted on someone. He wouldn't care what happened to others. A monster wouldn't have stayed in Camelot to break my mother's spell to bring me back to Neverland. You're not the demon everyone fears or makes you out to be. Because deep down you're that lost boy that was alone and unloved, but you're not anymore. You never will be again."
"That's cause I have you."
I sighed, running my fingers through my hair.
"What's wrong? You're doing that biting your lip thing you've been doing the past several hours as if you're worried about telling me something."
I stopped biting my lip and met his gaze. Guess telling him now was better than telling him later on. Either way he would probably be angry.
"Pan—"
"Why do you keep calling me Pan instead of Peter? Huh?"
I took a deep breath and said, "I'm not going back to Neverland with you, Pan."
"Of course you are."
"No, I'm not," I stared up at him. "I can't go back with you, Pan. You can't convince me otherwise, I'm sorry. Truly I am. I know that you went through all of this just to rescue me from my mother, and I'm grateful. But I can't give up on my kingdom. Not again. I'm not some fifteen year old kid that doesn't really understand the meaning of duty. Duty to my kingdom. To my people. I stopped being a kid the moment I was thrown into these diplomatic situations and was crowned Queen of Camelot. I can't just abandon my people when they need me most. I won't."
"But you won't ever have to worry about that if you just come back with me."
"My mother has taken my kingdom from me, Pan. The very kingdom I was raised to rule. She will turn this whole land into a wasteland, and she won't stop until she gets what she wants. Even if it costs innocent lives. I can't just let her destroy everything that my uncle worked so hard far. All he ever wanted to do was to unite all the kingdoms. To create a time of peace and prosperity. That's all I want. I was raised on those ideals. I can't just abandon them...not now. If I want to achieve that, then I have to deal with my mother. I'm not saying that I'm not scared because I am scared as hell, but I'm not gonna run and hide either. I can't. My mother needs to be stopped before she unleashes the Dorocha herself."