Random thoughts and quotes

Messed up

It's been five months without writing, I should be ashamed. Well, sometimes I wrote on my blog, in italian, 'cause you know, it's easier.
But the truth is, I forgot what easier means. When my life gets complicated I care more about the others and try to mend their lives while I can't fix mine. To help makes me feel better, but it's not enough.

Ray of sunshine, I messed up. And I'm so sorry for that, you can't even imagine how I felt bad and I still feel bad for it.

Three weeks ago I asked you how were you feeling and at first you told me it was all okay, but I suddently knew it was a lie. 45 minutes later, before saying goodbye, you started to talk. You said everything you were holding in your heart and I was overwhelmed with feelings, because you were so broken... and I was hurting, for you. You were talking so much you forgot the time passing by, your job, anything you were supposed to do. Until a bus coming from behind awoke you... you said you had to go.

I hugged you.
You gave me a little kiss on my neck.

The next morning I was feeling like someone chewed on my heart and spat it on the ground, with the urge to do something for you to make you happier. The next Friday I asked you if you wanted to talk, you said no and went away. On Monday you weren't even smiling anymore. I had the worst Tuesday, hurt myself, cried in public, stayed up late at night and sent you a message, because I knew that when you're extremely upset you need the magic gesture of some kind human being to feel better.

But it was a big mistake... that message did he wrong thing. I still don't know what you think about that. If it was too much or it scared you or you think I'm flirting with you or whatever.
After eight days I wrote you that I was sorry. Your answer confirmed me I did the wrong thing.

I'm sorry for messing up, I am so so sorry. I feel the urge to cry, even tough I know it's useless. Because I care so much about you, for all the things hat happened to us, and I've never told you that you've got a spot in my heart and you won't go away for such a little incomprehension. I don't want to lose you... I still have to tell you that no matter if I'll miss you, but I want you to take the best path your life offers.

And I already miss you... 'cause I know that right now we aren't okay.