Who Are You Now?

            “Amanda come on pay attention,” my father scolded as he got ready to get out of the car into the cold rain. He had just talked to me for longer than he had in years, but I hadn’t heard a word of it. I had been preoccupied gazing at my new house. It looked perfect, despite the fact that it was pouring outside. It was a lot bigger and nicer than the dingy one bedroom apartment I had sadly called home for the last three years.

                My father grabbed an umbrella and jumped out of the car. I watched as he opened the rear door and grabbed my little sister, Alexa, out of her seat and tucked her under his arm. They then ran to the front door of the house and my father quickly unlocked it. They stepped inside and slammed the door behind them, leaving me to fend the storm for myself.

                I took a deep breath. This was a whole new chapter in my life, a new chance for me. I couldn’t screw it up. I had screwed up the past chapter worse than I could have ever imagined. It proved how low my intelligence and choice making could really go. But it was the past, and I would try as hard as I could to keep it right where it was. I simply had to not revert to past habits and live this life as a normal, happy teenage girl, or try to at least.

                I grabbed the bag that was at my feet and swung the door open. I slowly got out and hooked the bag over my shoulder. I stood there in the rain for a few minutes just looking at the house and taking deep breaths. It was two floors with four bathrooms and four bedrooms. It wasn’t anything too special, I supposed. It had a light blue color, looking gray with the rain, and white shutters. The grass was bright green and the bushes were trimmed to perfection. I looked around, making out many similar houses through the blur of the rain.

                I trudged to the front door— ignoring a nauseous feeling in my stomach— and opened it slowly. I had only stayed in this house for one night over two years ago, and since then nothing had changed. My dad and little sister had lived there since my parents got divorced; after that I really didn’t talk to the two of them. I glanced over to the top of a baby grand piano and noticed how there were about ten pictures on top of it, all of my sister, father, and what looked like a girlfriend of his; there were none of my mom or I. Out of sight out of mind, I supposed. Why they didn’t come to visit or why they didn’t care to help my mom or I in the three years I lived with her I didn’t know. I almost felt betrayed, even though the reality of it was that I was really the one that left and betrayed them…

                I walked quickly up the stairs with my bag still over my shoulder and went into the room I already knew was mine. I shut the door and slowly sat on my new bed. I sat there thinking for quite a long time, dampening the soft comforter with my dripping clothes.

                I lied down on the bed and closed my eyes. It didn’t feel right to be in that strange bed in my strange new room, and I hoped sooner than later I would learn to accept it. I didn’t care that I was going to dampen the bed or that I was going to sleep with soaked clothes on. Hell, maybe it would be better if they made me get sick and die, so that the other two in the house could move on in peace.

                I tried not to think about how I decided to betray them by choosing to live with my mother over them, and how I betrayed my friends by not being there for them. I couldn’t help but feel guilty, too, because I left my mother to fend for herself; even though I didn’t have a choice in the matter.

 * * * * * 

                I woke up to someone shaking me. I opened my tired eyes to find that it was my little sister. She was standing next to my bed looking at me with a scowl. Before our parents’ divorce she was the happiest little girl in the world, but now she couldn’t even look at me without disgust written all over her face.