Ancient Things We Hold

Chapter 11

The Aftermath

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Tobijah stood far away from her that time. His distance only reminded them of how he had held her hand just three days ago. How cold he had become.

"Hodaya, I feel I should explain," he said. His voice was quick and weak, as though he was forcing himself to speak. Neither of them wanted to be there. She was anxious for him to just get it over with, for she was quite sure of what he was going to say.

If only he'd written her a letter and just passed it to her. She couldn't stand waiting for him to summon his courage. Even when she tried to speak to tell him to hurry up, he continued to struggle through.

"Please, let me go on. I shouldn't have told you what I did, nor should I have taken your hand, without being able to make promises. Hodaya, if I were able to I would feel obliged to marry you, but my father would never agree to the match. I need a wife who is a mother and a homemaker before an academic. It was irresponsible and cruel of me to let my...hopes overtake my common sense," he said, all the while fidgeting.

"But the rabbi has taught me since I was young. Surely he does not object to my education when he is the one who allowed it to go so far?" she said.

"It's very complicated, Hodaya. I am sorry. He educates you as a Jew, not as a wife. If you were to marry, I am sure he would encourage you to abandon such pursuits and focus on the domestic lifestyle, but for me- his son- he cannot risk it, nor can he really allow me to marry someone who's father is just a common labourer,"

By that point, she begged him to stop. "Don't go on," she said, "Do not worry about it. I understand. Thank you,"

It was not good to argue with him, for it was not really his fault. He was under the command of his father when it came to marriage, as they all were. But, oh, how it broke her heart to hear that her beloved rabbi was against educating wives! Nonetheless, she was not truly surprised. Even the men that claimed progression always put limitations on it as well. Perhaps she could spend her childhood embracing knowledge, but as a woman she was to become a mother and, due to this education and the opinionated mind it had given her, she was not fit for such esteem as the rabbi's son.

What a fool she had made of herself! She could scarcely think of anything else, even when she came to face Lord Daegel again. No longer was she attentive and worried as she bowed him away. Her mind was spared the turmoil of embarrassment when she briefly met eyes with Aldwyn again, but he soon stepped in the carriage and was gone again.

She thought being with the gentiles would fill her mind with them only, but she was too ashamed to care. Her fingers kept on clenching into the palms of her hands as she thought of her impetuousness. It will pass, she kept on telling herself. Like any other memory, it will fade to the back of her mind.

After the Daegels had gone, Tobijah tried to talk to her one last time, but she just said, "I think it's best if we do not speak again. You never should have tried to in the first place, really. Please do not come to my lessons anymore." He stepped back and let her go, which she did with a quick and desperate walk.

It began raining halfway home. Therefore, her family did not notice her tired expression because her face was covered by wet strands of her hair. Once she had brushed it back, though, it was Tachlifa who remarked, "Gosh, Hodaya! You look dreadful! What is wrong?"

"Oh, don't," she sighed. She buried her head in her hands and said, "I'm so embarrassed. Mama, Tamar- let me speak to you!"

The three walked into the barn so they were out of earshot of the papa and brothers. With her eyes pointedly staring at the hay covered floor all the while, she informed them of all that had happened. Well, most of what had happened. She left out her interaction with Aldwyn. However, it didn't seem to matter if she had because all of their attention was directed towards what Tobijah said.