Taiven Parmiga

Chapter 36: The Decision

A week has passed since the big argument between Evan and I. As each day passes I begin to miss him more and more. I have stayed at my friend's house while I sort out my feelings. I want to see him again. Hear his voice. Witness that adorable smile that can turn even the worst days into ones that I want to last forever. But he hasn't tried to contact me. As I sit at this coffee shop watching the sun rise through the glass windows with a warm cappuccino in my hand, I can feel my heart racing faster as I grow closer to making up my mind on what I'm about to do. Before I can give myself another chance to second-guess this decision, I reach for my phone from the table in front of me and dial the number I've had saved for weeks now. It rings twice before I hear that chipper Austrailian accent on the other end. 

"Taissa! It's so nice to hear from you!" 

"Hey! I wanted to apologize for taking so long to get back to you about this." I can feel my voice shaking, but I press on. 

"No worries. I can understand your hesitation with a project so big and far away. But I will need a decision soon." She speaks calmly and I take a big breathe before speaking. 

"I would be more than thrilled to be apart of the movie. The distance won't be an issue." It feels like the entire room is spinning, but the words I've spoken are final and there's no turning back now. 

"That's great! I am so excited!" She genuinely sounds giddy and it makes me smile a bit more and worry a bit less. "I'll send you the script and some details about getting here and the whole flight process. Do you have any questions for me?" 

"When is my flight?" 

"Well...about that...I am very thankful for your willingness to put your life on hold for this film. The director will be very glad for your cooperation. But since it did take a while for you to make a decision, we would like to start filming by Monday. Since today is Friday, it would be best for you to leave tomorrow morning." she speaks nervously. 

I squint my eyes and the pain that I was able to avoid for the past few minutes of this conversation has hit me like a bullet to the heart. I try to breathe deeply, but they grow shaky and uneven very quickly. But I pull myself together to say a simple "Okay" before thanking her and hanging up. 

I place my phone back on the table and chug the rest of my coffee before rushing out the door and into my car, feeling like I'm on autopilot. I have a trip to make, and if I don't do it now while I have the adrenaline boost, I'll talk myself out of it later on. 

I drive through the familiar streets that I've been far away from for the past week. When I pull into the driveway and walk up to the door, my entire body is vibrating with fear and nervousness. I knock, feeling weird for having to knock on the front door of the house that's technically mine. After standing there for a while, I worry that he isn't even here anymore. But he opens it and our eyes meet for the first time in what seems like eons. 

We stand there, silent, still, just the two of us breathing in and out, staring into each others eyes with a thousand different thoughts and emotions flying from one heart to the other and back. The neighborhood seems to be frozen in this moment. I feel his pain and see the heartache he must be enduring through the dark circles under his eyes and his nonexistent dimples. His frown looks like it's been stuck on his face for years and his eyes look red and watery. At the same time, I know he can sense my sadness through my shaking breaths and clenched fists. My eyes show every weakness inside me and the regrets I've replayed in my mind for the past 7 days. 

The silence is broken when I ask to come in. 

"Yeah, of course. It is still your house after all." He tries to give a light-hearted laugh, but I give a half smile in response. He rubs his hands on his sweatpants and flips the hair out of his eyes, and I'm reminded that every single movement he makes that I've been longing for has stayed right here in this house. Right where I left him. My heart breaks just a little bit more as I awkwardly stand a few feet away from the door, still unsure of my place. 

"Do you want something to eat or drink?" He asks nervously. I shake my head and clear my throat, knowing I should get to the point. 

" I want you to know that I have hated this." He is taken aback and looks at me with some confusion, waiting for my next words. And I think carefully before speaking any of them. But I know in my heart that what I say is true. "Being away from you has broken me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. If anything, it has made me realize that you are the person that I want to stay in my life. Forever. Being thousands of miles away from you could never erase the way I feel when I'm right next to you." I see a bit of light returning to his eyes. But I feel even worse when the next sentence leaves my lips. "But I want to do this movie. I don't want to turn down an opportunity that could open so many doors for me this early in my career. And I know that it isn't fair to you, but this is what I want to do." I pause, knowing that his silence is proof that he still isn't willing to come with me. But I can't leave without giving it one last try. "I would love more than anything to spend this next chapter of my life with you, by my side. But I will understand if you don't have the desire to join me." He looks at the ground and take a deep breath in and out before responding. 

"Tai. You know that every singly moment I spend with you makes me thankful for being put on the same planet as someone as amazing as you are. I care about you more than you will ever know." I can see the tears rising in his eyes as my own have already started to overflow and down my cheeks and onto my trembling chin. "But I can't go with you. I can't just leave the opportunities I have here. And I know that asking you to stay is completely unfair. I should have never even attempted to ask you to put your dreams on hold for me, of all people. I apologize if you ever felt like I was putting my career before yours, because that was NEVER my intention, and I hope you know that." He looks deep into my eyes before continuing.  "I truly want all of the happiness in the world for you. And if that means flying around the world and being away from me for a year, then I want you to go for it without having any regrets about leaving me behind. I am not worth giving that up for." 

By now we are both shaking through our sadness, drowning in our tears. I want more than anything to run to him and kiss him one more time. To hug him so close and feel his heart beating against mine, just one more time. But I give a small smile, turn around, and leave. 

AN: Whoa! It's been so long! I hope you have been well. I greatly apologize for the HUGE break I took. Things have been very crazy with me lately. I promise to try better to get more updates in. Buuuuut this book is coming to an end and I am so excited for the finale. I hope you are too. As always, tap that star and leave a comment if you've got something to say. Don't be shy!