Confessions about people in my former past life

Friends part 3- H.N

We knew of each other since my freshman year of high school in health and p.e class. However we didn't become friends till me and my ex started dating in my senior year of high school. And it wasn't until 6 months into that relationship that we didn't like each other. He spent more time with you than his actual girlfriend.

In respects I should have been mad at him and not you but you also were glad we broke up. You believed what he said about me, the nasty vile things that wasn't true. After a while you guys started drifting apart. To get back at him you texted me August 22 in 2017 if I wanted to go to your birthday party and that we should be friends since he was ditching you for his girlfriend at the time. I agreed to go and from then we became friends.

I met our mutual friend later on and we were like the three musketeers. Make that the three petty and drama filled teens of Rodney parham Little Rock Arkansas. Rodney parham was our street and the two rivers bridge was our hang out spot to spill some tea, get the latest gossip. After a while you and I got tired of this lifestyle and decided to leave it behind. You and I became best friends. We shared all kinds of secrets to, but it wasn't until I moved in with you that we saw things differently. I became a troublesome kid. I dragged you and your parents into my issues and for that, I'm sorry i did that.

I'm sorry I made things more about me when I should have asked if you were okay, how you're feelings, what's your thoughts. Instead I wanted your input on what I should do. And when I asked I'd do the opposite of what you said. Granted you have every right to hate me for it and you have every right to be angry about it. But what shouldn't have happened, was you controlling my life. I know you say you're a bit controlling but not to where you tell people how things are done yet you judge them for it. What it was like to me, was you making me be like you, a girl who stays away from a lot of people, doesn't go on dates with strangers, a girl who doesn't live life with a rush of adrenaline.

You wanted me to be the shy girl you were, the one who was okay without a guy to date. I wasn't that way and I could never be. I used to have to be with someone or else I get lonely and that has a lot to do with the fact I never had a man figure in my life. I used that as an excuse for my actions not realizing there's boundaries to walking on the edge. I couldn't see it at the time and that frustrated you so much that I became the girl from the first part of this story for you. I became a toxic person I never should have been. So that was your leverage with me, trying to limit me. Because I don't want to be told what I already know.

I wanted a friend to support me even if I make dumb decisions. You say you were there for me but instead you got very angry with me, you would give me the silent treatment and then you'd make me feel bad for my decision. That's not what a real friend does. A real friend would have just hugged me and said they'd be a shoulder to cry on if things went south. You don't make someone feel bad for trying to figure things out on their own. I had so many things I needed to realize and I needed to go through them by myself but you became selfish of your own desires. And by that I mean you couldn't stand of being alone yourself that you had to control me.

You had your own demons to battle with and you had me in the middle of it all. Being around you made me sicker and weaker because I needed time away to know myself and you wouldn't let me explore my options. You wanted me to yourself because others left. You became consumed with fear and that consumed my own. So I had to cut ties off with you. I had to live my own life away from being pulled back. You gave me the lesson of boundaries and for that thank you. But know this is the reason I left. This is why we aren't friends anymore. Because one of us had to leave eventually so we could get better on our own.

One of us had to and I guess I was strong enough to do it first. But as the looks of things, you spending time with someone you stopped talking to because of the drama only pushes you back. You're the same in my eyes. You chose to be around negative and drama filled things instead of becoming better than that. And because of that, it will become your own curse.

(Continuem 2019)

So it's been more than a year or so ago since I last wrote and an encounter with H.N happened in December of 2018. As I am writing this it is July 2019. I felt like it was time to update and speak on the last conversation shared between them and me. Not much to say about this person either since after I spoke to them directly nothing on either side has been said or done anything in a negative light to my knowledge. What started this encounter was a mutual friend of ours had shared my face on their Snapchat and H.N proceeded to ask questions about me and then accused him (not even directly but on social media platforms) that I was using him to spy on her stories. He told me of this and I spoke directly to her. Not about her but to her on insta private messages saying if she has some problems with me still she can leave him out of it and not accuse him of such blasphemy. She responded saying she wasn't accusing anything (which is a sad lie considering her social media said so) and because of the lying I had to allow her to just yell at me, cuss me out if that made her feel better and in response, I will quote what was said on their part. "You're a low life bitch who only used me. Then you proceeded to say I a was toxic friend which I wasn't. You call yourself a queen? Please. You're not a queen. You're the dirt the queen steps on when she enters the castle. The way you act proves that. But go ahead and keep up that mighty act of yours up on insta if that makes you feel any better." 

I guess she was trying to make me stoop to that level of ignorance since she did say I do this mighty act on my isnta. Anyway I responded with, "See now, does that make you feel better? You are right, I was shitty, I used you, I did call you toxic and do I feel bad yeah, do I apologize, yeah but I won't apologize for calling you toxic because you were. And don't get it twisted I am a queen.  You just brought more inspiration into my life and you made me realize my purpose which is to love. So thank you (not naming names for the soul purpose of not being charged with cyberbullying because it does happen), you have a good one and I hope you find your our (I meant own but it sent our lol) happiness lol and maybe in a year later you take down my pictures because leaving me up there is just saying you care. Sincerely the 420 queen white witch"

Pretty much she still had photos of me on her insta I don't know if she does anymore but when she did she had vulgar captions saying I'm shitty or I'm a slut and such. I could have reported that as cyberbullying and have her charged but it's not like it would have mattered later on down the road. People talk a big game on platforms and honestly she doesn't have any control of my life positively or negatively no matter the inappropriate captions she used on photos of me or the way she messaged me. The reason is I don't really have the time nor care to continue an act of rivalry and whatever was happening. All I have to do is block and that's that. This is just more of a personal writing that I wanted to share not in a negative tonenbut to get my story straight out there since everyone else seems to have their own story about these situations. 

Now that it's all said and done this just meant that the "so called act" I put out seemed to really bother this person and that wasnt the goal but more of portraying who I was simply becoming. Doesn't mean it's an act although media doesn't clarify what's real and what's not but the ideals being sent out has some what of an affect just the same. All that there can be done now is to keep loving and living the same way I have been after that. This isnt meant to start anything but more so to speak on true events that have happened which has led me to where and who I am. For that I'm grateful humans like H.N exist.

 I simply write this out because a former ex friend P.J recently messaged stating he read what I wrote about L.P and I was not up for anymore bullshit. I am simply stating the facts of what happened and my side of the story since everyone else seems to have theirs. THIS IS NOT TO CAUSE ANY TROUBLE! I do not want petty bullshit nor do I want anyone coming at me sideways. I have moved on and I started this book on June on the 26th, 2018 and it is now July 6, 2019. I wrote this out of the fact that everyone involved in this friends section has publicly told their story and I'm just doing the same. So understand from here on out anything that happens after this will not be written down. If I have offended anyone, private message my insta @ 420_spooky_queen_witch and I will change whatever was offending accordingly. 

Sincerely your ex best friend,
Kat