PURE HEROIN

XI.

11 | Pure Heroin

The hospital room was freezing cold, leaving a trail of goosebumps along Exodus's exposed skin. Rubbing her arms she checked the time on her watch again. Hospitals had always made her uncomfortable and Fredo had instructed Lolita to bring her here. She was curious to know why.

Sitting stiffly on a hard plastic covered chair Exodus glanced at Aj's still form. Seeing him laying there unresponsive made her realize that silence had a sound. A noise that left a god sized emptiness inside of your chest.

It was sort of ironic, she had saved him from death and unintentionally he saved her from herself.

Exodus shifted in her seat at the sound of the door opening, but made no move to see who it was. From the corner of her eye Exodus watched as Fredo say in the chair beside her. Leaning forward with his elbows on his thighs, he sighed before running a hand through his hair.

Exodus remained quiet as Fredo conversed with his brother. He talked about his day, his fears, reminisced on memories, he didn't seem to care that Aj never replied. It unnerved her, seeing Fredo like this. Vulnerable. Open. Guard down. He was bearing a side of him that she had never seen. She felt as if she was intruding on a personal moment.

"Do you know what I hate Exodus?"

She met his gaze before looking away. "No..."

"Liars."

Exodus felt her heart skip a beat before speeding up. She did not like where this was headed.

"I know you lied about why you were really in that alley." Fredo chuckled. "I don't know what game your playing but you can join my brother in this hospital to."

Exodus licked the dryness from her bottom lip before tucking it into her mouth. "I...its not what you think."

"Then what the fuck is it Exodus? Please, enlighten me."

She stared at Aj's heart monitor. Watching the lines sharply draw down before slowly moving upwards in a consistent motion. She debated on how much to say - what to say, where to start, where to end.

"Ex-", Fredo started impatiently.

"My mother claimed she knew I was going to be special the day I tapped danced in her stomach while Bon Jovi was playing. She said even when I came out the womb I never stopped dancing. At age nine they told my parents I was a prodigy. There was no dance I couldn't master. Ballet, tap, jazz, contemporary, hip hop, salsa, it didn't matter I could do it all. When I signed with The American Ballet Theatre it was the happiest day of my life and ironically the beginning of my downfall." Exodus felt the drip of moisture slide down the bridge of her nose but didn't bother to wipe it away.

Her eyes had gone completely glassy and she was afraid one wrong move would release the damn behind her eyes. "I think that I was too young you know? For all that pressure. They wanted me to be perfect. I..had to be perfect...No one wanted to see the little black girl from New York shine. I had to show them that I deserved this just as much as-if not more than anyone. It started small....prescription pills, they were a dancers best friend. Before I knew it I needed cocaine to keep me functioning during the day and heroin to balance me out. Addiction was like trying to live without air....Now imagine something worse. Even when I took the drugs I realized that this just wasn't fun anymore. The drugs had become a part of my routine. Something to wake me up. Something to help me sleep. Something to calm my nerves. There was a time when I was able to wake up, go to sleep, and have fun without a pill or a line to help me function. Those days it felt like I might have a nervous breakdown if I didn't have them."

Swallowing the lump in her throat Exodus laughed dryly. "I had first overdosed when I was twenty. I knew I should have stopped then-and I did for awhile. But there is only so long you can go without the very thing keeping you alive. The second time I overdosed I was twenty-two.. I was ending a solo dance in Berlin. I remember feeling like being encased in jello. Collapsing to the floor, but not feeling. I remember hearing the applause then silence. I never got up from the floor...people running on stage to help me...I was slipping..didn't know whether I was dying or not. I woke up in the hospital two days later and they told me they think I needed some time off. Froze my contract and told me to get into rehab...as if things were that simple. Ever since I just drifted from place to place. I have stayed in Chicago about a year and some months now. That day..in the alley I was coming down from a high. Seeing Aj get shot opened my eyes. It hit me, like a punch in the stomach, the carving out of my insides. That's when I realize that none of this is a movie. I will not go out with a bang. There is no ending. There are no credits. I will wake up and I will keep waking up and this will always be waiting for me. I know that, that Exodus wasn't me. I just wanted to be me again."