My Pain

trust

As a kid I developed the fear of not being trusted, for people to lean on. And it's similar to the fear of not being enough. But it's a bit different. It also makes you not able to trust others. I know what your thinking " how are people supposed to trust you but you don't trust them?" I know.

The reason I have this fear in the first place is how when I was little, one of my best friends was being raped. For 3 years. She told someone else and he went to jail and me and her still talk today. But the issue that I saw since the day I found out was "why didn't she tell me?" I've been told that it wasn't my fault. But I feel like I wasn't being trustworthy.

I can't keep a secret. I can't be someone who you can count on. It hurts to know that someone you care for get sexually asulted almost daily and know nothing of it. It makes me feel terrible for letting her deal with that alone.

Looking back on it. She was screaming. She told me threw small things but I couldn't conect the pieces. And every time we had a sleepover, others could have been getting raped. It made me feel like I had failed on protecting my friends.

Then to bring back the same pain. Almost like a tv show. Another friend of mine was being starved by her mom. And her sister was acctually being hit. My friend had not eaten in 2 days and I had not realized. The only time she could eat was at school.

Then one day she had enough and posted on her snapshat story that she wasn't able to eat and her mom went to jail. Now she is with her aunt. But I was never able to help her. I only found out about a month after.

I know it sounds selfish. And I admit it is. But I want to be trusted. And now I'm sitting here typing this out with tears in my eyes.

All I want is to be trusted.