My Pain

Goodness Leilyn

Leilyn time and time again for reasons i don't understand, you push me away. Yes your scared but your not the only one. You only think of how thing will affect you and fuck everyone else. Your stupidity and arogance enrages me to the point im at a lost fro words. You have the nerve to say your traumatized from my father. He may have put me through hell for most of my life but he still is my father. During the hell he put me through, if thats what tramatizes you then you need to find you big girl pants and put them on because thats life. You think trauma is crying when a man yells, try flinching everytime he reaches you hug you or trembling when you hear loud noises even if its a shampoo bottle falling you get an overwhelming fear and you want to hide. It enrages me to know that by him telling you to stop crying and raises his voice a slight bit gives you "trauma". Thats fucking bullshit. You can't handle that, what happens when you at work and someone tells you that you made a mistake. You gonna cry about that too? I don't know why i try so hard for you. All my efforts to be nice to you and be just a good fucking person, you shoot it down and this time really hurt because i know your going through shit and your dad gave me hope that maybe you'd let me in. you hurt me over and over and over. The whole reason i cut you off in the first place was because you were hurting me and i needed you to realize that but you never listened to i took an extreme. By me taking that extreme you blamed me. You painted me as a monster to so many just because it fulfilled your liking. Cause all you fucking do is play victim. You said so much fucked up things to me. You told me im the reason for your depression and then told a secret of mine and i got out by lying my ass off. Saying it was a joke but it was true and i was freaking out because i had no one and i still don't. You were the only one that i let in and when i needed you, you showed your ass. But still i forgave you and i looked past and looked at the good. You never really were on the outside, it could have been a lot worse. I absolutely hate myself for still trusting you even know even though if i told you that i needed help, you'd look the other way and then talk shit about it. It doesn't matter what happens to me in your eyes. Im on a lower level than a stranger. Yet your still inside my walls and you attack my core. Todays talk felt like i was walking on glass. I tried so hard not to offend you and was understanding. I lost a little control and pushed you and i appologized. I hate how im still at your mercy. I hate how i still cry over you. Its like when i accept that we are best seprate, someone comes along and reminds me of all the good times and a shimmer of hope arises, thinking that hey maybe, just maybe you'd forgive me for the hurtful things i've said. I really hate all the time i spent on you and you just don't care whatsoever. I think of the time that we were on your trampoline and i was playing on my phone and you were perched on my back and cailye on the swing fangirling because we were so close and so comfortable wit each other. I tried so hard to go back to those days and all those times you said that you'd think about it, you never did you distracted yoursekf and dragged things out way more than needed. I can't stop thinking that maybe if you actually thought about it and actually considered what i felt as well as what you felt. I wish you recongized how imperfect you are and looked at your faults. Maybe if jenny just let teenage girls be teenage girls then maybe things would be different. Maybe if i made you listen somehow someway none of this would have happened. I apologized and you still hate me. You only think of how i hurt you but not once how you hurt me. Yes its selfish but i thought about the damaged i caused that first night and every night to today. Hell i probably hurt you by showing up today because you can't stand to look at me. Did you think i didn't notice how you never looked at me while i talked to you or when you were talking to me. You couldn't look at me, much less in the eye. The only time you looked at me was when you were crying. I don't think you realized that you hardly told me anything. I tried having the conversation that we been needing to have but all you did was sut me out again beside about ho you hate my dad. Like i said before though. He's my dad. Sometimes i act like him. He is the man that raised me and molded me to the person i am today. Whether im stronger for it or im weak because of it, doesn't matter because thats who i am. I don't understand how you don't want to "plant trees even though you don't plan on taking shade under them". That's what my dad taught me and even though i say im alone, i have my people. No they aren't closse and i don't plan in taking shade under any of them besides daytton cause he really is my saving grace. I'm absolutely so grateful for him. You may have your people but im never one to turn down a friendship so i can promise that mines a lot bigger but im not gonna charge after you. Its like your a tree that was chopped down so to speak. I can't take shade under you but there is no getting rid of those roots in me. Im unsure if i still have my roots in you. I know that you tried digging them all up but you can't deny that there is way to many to get rid of. God it fucking hurt pushing you away and if i could change how i handled that situation i would even if it was after you told my secret. If only i kept my cool, but i couldn't.