How Writing Fanfiction Saved Me

Resilient

Disclaimer: All Fairy Tail Characters Belong to Hiro Mashima

Chapter 15: Resilient

Laxus Dreyar didn't slow down until he reached the boardwalk. It had been years since he had let his temper get the better of him and while he was frustrated by his lapse in control he had to admit that it had felt good to lash out at Zeref.

Now that he had some distance from the situation, however, he felt quite the opposite. He had let his emotions control him and he had failed to communicate in the way he wanted. Zeref could be infuriating even on his best days but his approval was something that Laxus still craved and he had derailed from that goal spectacularly. He was just happy he had left before he had resorted to violence. He'd certainly thought about it.

He was well aware why Zeref's forgiveness was so important to him. His therapist had discussed it with him in great detail. Zeref had been there the last time it had happened, had witnessed the depravity and cruelty that Laxus had subjected Natsu to. If he could never get Natsu's forgiveness, and he had resigned himself to that fact already, then earning Zeref's was the next best thing and Laxus desperately wanted to earn forgiveness. Even though he still hurt on the inside and would never fully forgive himself for what he had done, he had come to a sort of understanding of his child self. The need he'd had to exert some semblance of control over his life even if it came at the expense of others. It had been the selfish thought of a child, one that he had no intention of repeating. He had caused enough harm. Over the years he had tried to show his cousin in every way he could think of that he had changed, that he was better than who he had been, but Zeref never seemed to see Laxus for who he was, Zeref was still fixated on who Laxus had been.

Now that Zeref was dying Laxus might have to accept that he might never get what he was hoping for. There was another piece to the puzzle as well, even though Zeref had beaten him within an inch of his life if it hadn't been for Zeref's interference, Ivan might never have been arrested and Laxus would have continued in the downward spiral that had commenced soon after his mother's death. Laxus was grateful to Zeref for that.

Laxus had not spoken to Ivan since the day of his arrest. He would never understand why his father did those things to him, just like he would never understand why he had never asked for help. Gramps would have helped him if he had asked. Maybe he had been scared that no one would believe him, or even worse, maybe they would have thought that he had deserved it. He tensed up at that thought, it was one that he still struggled with often. He had come to terms with Ivan's abuse as best he could, fully aware that an apology would not be forthcoming from the father he detested. There was still one thing he he had to do, and even though it would not be easy, he didn't think he should wait much longer. He fixed his attention on the boardwalk which was rather quiet at the moment. It was still very early in the morning so no music was playing on the loudspeakers. He people watched, letting his mind wander on to more pleasant things.

He thought about his mother as he always did when they came to Akane Beach. She had loved it here. She would always make a point of setting aside an afternoon just for the two of them. He could still remember how she held his hand as they would walk around this same boardwalk watching the street performers. They would stop for ice cream and check out the souvenir stalls. She would always let him pick a special token of their day together and he still had them all. Her long green hair would billow in the wind behind her as she walked and her blue eyes would twinkle as she gave him her special smile that was reserved just for him. He considered walking over to the souvenir stands to get something for Wendy when he noticed someone with long green hair walking on the boardwalk headed towards the beach. He watched them for a moment, not really taking in any features just watching how the hair was blowing in the small breeze. He closed his eyes and turned away as a desperate longing assailed him. He kept them closed for a moment, and when he opened them again and turned back he was surprised to see the hair still there and now walking past him, its owner's arms laden with paper bags.