Le Petit Mort

Chapter 26*

"Joon— should I still wait for you?" She asked but there was no anger. She was waiting for my answer but looking at me like she already knows it.

There were no words that came out of my mouth as I diverted my stare away from her.

She chuckled a little. "See? It didn't take forever right?" Jan's voice cracked.

She let out a huff. Wanting my attention but I wasn't still able to look her in the eye. "Are you hungry? I can cook or buy you something."

I wanted her to wait for me. I wanted us back together but — something is holding me back. I don't know if she'll be able to wait for me.

Jan finally gave up. I heard her sniffling as she probably starts crying.

I felt her come closer and then her lips touched my cheek. I could feel her damp cheeks when it touch mine. "I'll be back in Paris this weekend so I guess this is goodbye."

"Wait." I held her arm. "Wait. Can we talk?"

She nodded wiping her tears.

This is their difference, Hani would stomp her way out when she didn't get her way but Jan. Jan always stood by me. She puts her feeling aside for anything that can help me.

"I love you Jan. I still do but I'm so lost right now." I said. "I'm tired of — being famous and— and— I feel— I feel if I— if I choose to be with you. I feel like I'm choosing you over them. It feels like I'm being selfish."

"Is that the reason why you quit, too? You don't want the burden of feeling that you chose them over me?"

"Yes." I said half expecting her to cry again and get out of the apartment.

Instead, she moves closer.

"The world not a series of dominoes. Not every option you pick will have a dreadful consequence that will make you regret your decision. If you don't want us. Don't turn your back on your passion." She paused,  swallowing her emotion.

"What did Taehyung told you? What did he say to make you come here?" I asked.

"He told me I don't have to hear good news. That sometimes, actually hearing the bad news can be liberating enough despite the pain."

"When Yoongi came and you didn't call, I know I was waiting in vain. So I'm ready, I don't think your brothers are. You don't have to worry about me, you can choose them over me." She continued.

"What if it's you that I wanted to keep and not them?"

Jan cupped my face so I would look at her. "You wouldn't give me up if I'm worth fighting for. If the things we shared meant something to you, you'll be the first one to visit me instead of Yoongi. I was just an escape, right? "

The were traces of tears in her eyes trying to get out but she wiped it immediately.

It feels somebody stomped on my heart. The pain of her words slapped me that I wasn't able to recover.

I looked at her and I knew if I let her go today. I will never see her again. She will date that fucking doctor that Seungjin knows or worse, be back in that asshole's arms again.

Sometimes, use your heart instead of your head.

She sent something on her phone and tapped me on my arm as she took her bag.