Separated Love

Chapter 1: The First 6 Months

When the person you love is the one that fails to trust you, there is no greater pain in this world. When you get married, you never think about such a low point occurring in your relationship. I remember how I felt the day Kartik trusted me, and didn't question me at all about Raghav. I could not be prouder of this man that I called my husband. To think of where we are now hurts me deeply. How could he say that I killed his brother? I understand that when we grieve, we say things we don't necessarily mean, but to throw such an accusation at me? And ma? I helped her reunite with Kartik when he absolutely despised her. How could she of all people hate me and think this is my fault? I had always wanted the best for everyone, but because of my one mistake, everyone seems to have forgotten everything I did. I know I shouldn't have kept Shubham's secret from everyone but I was going to tell Kartik everything that day. If only he had given me a chance to explain myself. Shubham was my family too. They're not the only ones that lost someone that day.

It's been six months now since Kartik and I told each other "I hate you." I thought that with time things would get easier, and this growing feeling of pain in my chest would disappear. However, nothing has helped. Everything reminds me of him.

If it rains, I remember our times dancing to Tip Tip Barsa Paani and how romantic he would get. If Papa ever brings kachoris for me to eat, with each bite I remember each memory of him trying to get nani or dadi to give him kachoris. The worst is when I sleep at night - alone. I hate nights because he isn't next to me, but it's mornings that I hate the most. There are some mornings when I'll wake up forgetting what happened between us. Thinking that he's still laying beside me and cuddling me. Those are the hardest days. I miss him so much. I miss our nonstop banter and his attempts to sneak a hug or kiss when no one was watching. I miss my best friend.

I wish I could dance to help ease this pain but even that was robbed from me. My ankle broke at 3 different spots that day when I fell from the terrace. My doctors said that I needed surgery to properly treat the broken bone, but I didn't have it in my heart to stay in the town where Kartik was. I knew that if I stayed near him, my heart would convince me to go to him. That is why I left with Papa. I have no one that I can talk to so here I am writing all of these feelings in my journal again. If mama was here she could tell me what to do, but since she's not, I'll have to figure this out by myself...Maybe someday Kartik will find this journal and see that I'm innocent.

Kartik I love you and miss you so much. Why didn't you just trust me like you had promised to do so when you told me you loved me in Switzerland? Why didn't you keep your promise that you would protect me from everyone? Saying I love you doesn't mean anything Kartik. Your actions have to define those three words. I love you but I also hate you for breaking your promise Kartik.