Revolution: Genesis (Published)

Chapter 18: She Saw Me.

JACK

They say it's not about the time you have known a person. It's about how that person affects you in the amount of time you have been together. It doesn't matter how, it doesn't matter when, you can either get extremely attached to that soul, or come to completely despise them. I guess all it takes is a situation to make that choice for you.

*'*'*

Everyone was present, the whole group. No one cared for their own world as the world they all shared shattered into tiny fragments. I always knew I was similar to an outsider around here but to call myself lucky to be the part of their shared world was putting it lightly. I sat on the cold hard tiled floor, leaning against the door feeling ruined. I knew my hair was messy, I knew my clothes were wrinkled but I didn't care. I didn't want to lose hope but everything felt so difficult, so out of reach, I couldn't but question myself over and over again.

Was it worth it? Was all of it worth the lives it took? Was this torment my punishment for what I did? Did I deserve this kind of pain? Or was this something more than what I could endure? And maybe if it wasn't related to me, why did I have to witness the destruction happening right before me? What part did I play now; except be nothing but a helpless being?

When the doctor had declared Azura incurable a lot of dams broke. But after the strongest wave of defeat had passed and numb settled in, Rose had asked me about the book. We had brought it while Mrs. Knight slept and hurdled together while reading every quote that had been written on it. There were a lot. And each written piece reminded me of everything I had been through with the book as well. The weight of my past had never felt this heavy than it did now with the same book in my hands once again.

When I read the latest entry on the book, I was left shocked.

"Losing a person close to heart brings ache and tears one apart.
Often becomes reason to despise many and surface naught.
To never encounter such situation, you must play your part.
Ask the Guide to avoid such fate or fall into the void of the past." It said.

It dawned on me what and who it was about when I saw the date mentioned on the same page; twelfth of November. The day it all happened. The day Azura fell into the black pit from where no one was being able to bring her back. The day I decided it was best for me to leave this life behind because it was all a lie. Whatever I had with Azura and all our friends was a lie because they didn't know the truth. I knew for certain I wouldn't be able to have this if they knew but more than that, I feared the hatred their eyes would hold.

And I couldn't forget our fall out the same day it happened. Had I known things would be like this, I never would've gone against my heart. How was I supposed to know that I was pushing her away into the abyss she's in now?

Yeah, you just never know, do you? Just like how you didn't know you were murdering her father. My subconscious interjected making me grit my teeth and clench my fist even tighter. Of course the self-loathe I held for myself was far worse but knowing that someone else would be able to despise me this much shook me to my core. I was never a people-pleaser. I did what I felt comfortable with and dealt with the consequences. My past was proof of that but when it came to my dreadful mistakes costing someone else greatly I... I was afraid. I was guilty over my actions of cowardice. I didn't have the strength to speak the truth and keeping up the façade was becoming more of a burden than hiding my horrible mistakes.

I had thought about using the book. God, the temptation was so much stronger than before but I knew I had a vow to keep. I was, however, far too close to fall for it again. When Rose and I were inquiring over the book near Azura, the entries somewhat made us realize how much it had interweaved with Azura's life. The situation was hauntingly close to my past and I shuddered as I felt the unknown chill while realizing how I didn't really know what exactly Azura was fighting and that too, all alone.