White Box [under major construction]

Chapter Sixteen

playlist for this book in the external link. click it :3

Chapter Sixteen

I stared out the window from my hospital bed. I noticed small spots of pink, it seems like the cherry blossoms are finally starting to bloom.

"What are you looking at?" Dr. Anderson asked me.

"The cherry blossoms. They're pretty." I answered with a small smile. "Even if they're not in full blossom yet." I dropped the smile and went back to my old, withdrawn self. Since I went a little too far in my teasing yesterday, I was afraid that he'd act awkward with me. That's why I was purposely ignoring him, focusing on the scenery outside. I think it helped, as he dropped the formal attitude and went back to his playful, cheery self. He probably thinks that I don't care. So as long as I'm my usual rude self, he can relax around me and not have to worry about my feelings for him.

In order for him to be openly nice and kind to me, I have to act like I hate him. Like I don't care. Because otherwise, he'll get anxious and back away. It took me quite long to grasp this fact and to be honest; it's not that hard to keep up. Since I'm trapped alone in this room, I have no one to vent out my anger on but him.

"Yeah, they sure are something..." Dr. Anderson said in a somewhat nostalgic tone.

"No one says that, stupid." I countered with a monotone voice.

"Says what?" He asked.

"'Sure are something', it's such an old fashioned phrase, how gross." I replied.

"Ahh... I apologize for being gross. It must be quite annoying for such a young girl, to have her personal space invaded by an old man like me all the time..." Was he still thinking of what I said two days ago? Maybe he talked to his fiancée about it? Asked her what he should do about a cute little patient who has a crush on him.

A part of me hope that it never happens. That the silly, flimsy feelings I have don't cause any problems. I genuinely hope that no one would be upset or hurt over it. But, at the same time, another part of me-the more selfish, cruel part-hope that he did talk to his wife and when she expressed her concern, it lead to some kind of argument between them. I want him to care.

"Yeah, it's quite annoying. I don't like to be intruded on all the time, but it's not like I have much of a choice." I said with a sigh, "I guess privacy isn't exactly a perk of dying." He stays silent for a moment, just staring at the cherry blossoms outside the window. We watched as they were blown by the wind and how they'd fall.

"It's spring..." He said after a while, "Aren't you glad to be rid of all the snow?" I shrugged.

"It doesn't really make a difference. Since it's going to be the last winter I'll ever witness, it actually makes me kind of sad." He looked away from the window and at me, letting out a small sigh.

"Still... The cherry blossoms are pretty... Isn't this technically granting your wish?"

"Yeah..." I agreed, but I had wished to be able to stand under a cherry blossom tree, watching each petal fall, enjoying the atmosphere, but here I am, looking at it through a window.

"Ah... I've been thinking, maybe we shouldn't-" He began,

"You've been thinking? I didn't know that was possible." I joked.

"Hey! It might not look like it but I do exercise my brain." He defended.

"You probably do Sudoku, like any other old man."

"Actually, I prefer crossword puzzles, though I don't have much time for them, especially with a baby on its way." He laughs a little while he says this, rubbing the back of his neck.

"... If you want, you can do them up here with me." He suddenly stopped laughing, his face changed to one of concern. What if I went too far again?

"I don't know... It seems a little..." He trailed off, "It's nice of you to offer, but I do have a job to do, and as much as I'd like to, I can't spend all my time with you, kid." I don't feel like arguing, it's just going to be waste of time... All of the sudden, I feel very tired.

"Maybe..." I sighed, "And I'm not a kid."

"So you say..."

"I'm saying it because it's true! If you have a terminal disease and get locked up in a place like this, it gives you lots of time to thing. I've grown up a lot." Mentally at least.

"Oh, kid..." I hate this. Don't use that voice with me, one full of pity.

"I don't feel like one, if anything, I feel like an old man. Getting all sentimental over cherry blossom. I feel pathetic..." I shuddered, trying my best to keep my tears at bay. But I'm sure that one more word and I'll start crying. I'm sick of this. I'm so sick of this...

"I-I I just... I... D-don't want to be alone anymore!" The tears began falling. I haven't cried in so long... All those years of keeping it in, not letting any emotion show. It's all coming back to me now.

"Ah..." Dr. Anderson looked so conflicted; debating on what he should do. Should he comfort me? It would be unprofessional but it'd be cruel to just ignore me... With these tears, I felt a little manipulative, but I don't care anymore... I'm past the point of caring.

"I don't need the stupid crossword puzzles... I... I just want to spend more time with you. My school friends don't visit me anymore, I'm pretty sure that to them, I might as well be dead. They are all having the time of their life... While I..." I sniffled, wiping my tears with my pajama sleeve.

"C-can you stay a little bit longer...? When I'm alone, I feel like I'm already dead. What's the point if no one cares? I-I... I just want to feel needed!" My tears are blurring my vision.

"Kid... Look, I care about you, okay?" Dr. Anderson tried to explain.

"That's because you were paid to care! But in reality, I don't mean all that much to you, I'm just another patient! You don't actually want to spend any time with me!" I can't stop; the words are leaving my mouth before they even crossed my mind.

"That's not true! It's just that... I have a job! And you're not my only patient, and... And... Oh, no, kid, please don't cry." He took a step closer to me. I can't reply. I started crying openly, my sleeves now wet. My life... What is the point? What's the point of being alive, if I'm just going die?

"I-I don't want to live anymore! I hate this! I-I hate it!" I yelled out, "You're always to distant, you always say that we're friends... But in reality, you don't think that at all." He looked like he was being tortured; I started to feel bad for crying, for making him feel this way... But at the same time, I don't feel bad at all. This just means that I am still able to influence people, to give them some sort of emotion... It means I haven't completed faded yet...

"Oh... Kid... Come here, don't cry." My tears broke the barrier between us, this pretense of 'professionalism'. He sat on the edge of the bed, placed his arms around me and gave me a gentle hug. My face slightly reddened. This was almost like a scene from the mangas I read.

"Warm... You're really warm..." I wrapped my weak arms around him, holding him as tight as I can, resting my head against his chest. His coat smelt like disinfectant, but I don't care. I wish time would stop, so I can stay in this moment forever. Because I know, as soon as it's over, we'll be even further apart. But I'm willing... Willing to trade the friendship that we were building for this one moment of closeness.

That's why, for now, I can't let go.

~*~

im crying. im so sad. mainly because i know the ending but still. sadness. longest chapter. i hope you guys enjoy this ;-;

votes and comments for maggie's weak will.

x