Still Just A Child

Dear Sister,

Dear Sister,

The one with responsibilities,

And responsible

For my perfect travel

Into the depths of hell.

My hate started with you,

Yet not towards you.

My hate started with your words

Until I hated me too.

All these years I cried to sleep

Because I was a problem.

I was that kid at six years

With no one to love 'em.

With parents too scared

Of losing their wealth,

Siblings too scared

Of losing themselves,

And a school full of strangers

I had nobody else.

Yea, not even myself.

They say that people change

And I see that you have.

But tell me why

You still treat me like trash.

Tell me sister, did it feel nice

To push a child into cold thin ice?

Sure I'm no child anymore,

But you still make me feel like

A piece of crap just come to life.

Every word that you spoke

Made me feel ashamed.

You said it was my fault

You were losing this game,

This game called life

With broken hearts.

It was all my fault

Mom and dad fell apart.

When I tell you all this now,

You say I was just a kid

Taking words too far,

Boy, I get pissed.

Is a child not human,

With a working mind?

Their bones are fragile

But they're not blind.

Because of you I question myself,

With ever breath I take

Am I wasting space?

If I take the pain

Keep my mouth shut

And let it rain,

Will people finally like me?

Can I be loved?

It's because of you

That I hate my skin.

You say I'm too fat,

And I just want to give in

To starving and harming,

But I hold back

Because I don't want you to win.

Hey sister,

Do you hear me now?

It's my turn to blame you

But the difference is loud

Because all I say is actually true.

But don't worry,

I learn to let go.

I don't treat you like shit

Because that's what I've known.

And just because I'm low

I tend to remember

That in the same way

You made me feel guilt,

I learned to do that

To myself.

I feel guilty for blaming you

So I scour my mind

For a good excuse

As to why I'm me

Not because of you.

You were 16 with a will to survive

A breaking home and tears in your eyes.

Confused and hurt, you needed me

To confuse with the home

Of broken dreams.

I was there too,

So I understand.

And after that,

I'm left with the guilt

Of who I am.