My Qadr

Masjid

Zayyad

I was selfish, and I was beginning to realize it. The more I stayed with Farrah, the more I observed, the more I watched.

Sometimes, I'd take her along for meetings, work picnics; all to put her in different situations, to see her interactions with people, to have a deeper insight as to what kind of a person she was.

Did I think it was selfish? Very much. It didn't sit well with me, testing her without giving her the chance to put me through her own tests, but it was important to me that I observed her as naturally as possible, not when she knew of my intentions.

In all fairness though, I didn't let myself act in a manner that wasn't characteristic of me. I tried my best to present the most genuine version of myself to Farrah. To let her see, if she really did wish to, the kind of person I was. And I hoped she did...want to see me that is. I'd already admitted it to myself that I had a deep respect for her, that I liked her; and try as I might, I couldn't bring myself to feel embarrassed at the realization of my feelings. Not when I felt all I did for the right reasons.

And it was because of that which I felt that I'd made two decisions that could potentially change the course of my life.

The first being my enrollment in the marriage programme in the mosque.

The brother who gave the lectures was an old ustadh of mine.

He'd studied psychology in the University as well as Islamic studies, along the line he'd found his calling in counseling people in broken homes, ones about to take the step towards building their homes and even, with widows and widowers, divorcees and those who'd been abused.

He'd been through a lot of those situations himself, having lost a wife and getting pressured to get married again before he'd ever gotten the chance to move on from the hurt.

I'd made a call to him not to long ago, telling him I had someone I felt very strongly about, and could forsee a great life for us both.

I also told him that she wasn't aware, and that I'd like to prepare myself mentally, spiritually before I even approached the issue.

We'd talked quite a bit and were meant to meet up later in the day.

The second decision I'd made was to have another office built from mine.

It'd be separated in that they wouldn't be the same room anymore, but it'd be an extension, close enough that official duties could be discharged effectively, but far enough that we— me and Farrah— weren't in each other's space all day.

It'd been on my mind for a while, the issue of separation. It was becoming increasingly harder to stay by Farrah, knowing I was only getting invested increasingly and needing myself to take a step back so I couldn't let my rationality sway.

I thought it the best for me and for Farrah. Until I'd made my intentions known, it'd be quite disrespectful to her and her hijaab for me to stare quite unbashfully.

But I didn't intend for the separation to be a permanent thing. If things worked the way I hoped they would , we'd both find ourselves a lot closer.

Until then, I wouldn't allow any more damage be done to my heart. Not if it wasn't planned, and I had a wife somewhere out there.

It wouldn't be fair on her.

It wasn't a secret however, that my being, to its very core, was inclined to Miss Ahmad. It'd be a difficult thing to do but it wasn't one I'd back down from.

*****
The masjid ground was as always, peaceful.

I'd got there at a time kids hadn't got out of school, and adults were still at work.