The Beginning and the Memory// 13RW

03 Forgive But Dont Forget

"We have to do something about them."
"Yeah? Like what?"
"It's not like you can lay a hand on her, Justin."
"I'm not gonna lay a hand on either of them."
"Why don't you just drop it, dude?"
"Shut the fuck up, Alex."

I eavesdropped on the group that was just around the corner from me. It was everyone that was on Hannah's tapes besides Clay and I, and I assumed they were talking about us due to Clay's behavior since he listened to the tapes. They were scared. We all were.
"I gotta get to class," I heard Jessica say before bidding goodbye to the group. I went inside, running into Zach on the way. Why was I always running into him?
"Emm, you got a minute?"
I sighed. He would never just let me go by in peace.
"Yeah," I turned so he could walk with me.
"So, uh," he started nervously. I didn't know why he was always so nervous around me.
I sighed, stopping in my tracks and causing Zach to almost trip. I looked up at him.
"Zach," I started, trying to get the words in order. I didn't know exactly what I wanted to say. There was just so much that needed to be said, but I couldn't seem to get anything out. I knew exactly how Zach felt now.
He was looking at me expectantly, but with a hopeful look in his eye. He wanted me to forgive him.
"I forgive you," I decided to leave it at that.
He stared at me for a minute, as if waiting for me to say something else. Anything else.
Then, he finally let it go.
"Okay," he nodded, looking around, "cool."
He turned to walk away, but I didn't want him to.
"Wait, Zach," I reached out and touched his arm, getting him to turn around again.
"Oh, you wanna talk now?" Zach smiled slightly as we walked away from the school.
"Yeah, actually," I said quietly, wanting so badly to be able to sit on the bench Instead of this wheelchair.
"What is it?" He asked, taking his backpack off and sitting down on the bench.
"I uh," I looked around, "I just can't stop thinking about Hannah," i admitted, "I just feel like it's my fault."
I felt myself getting choked up, and Zach reached out to grab my hand in his. I let him. I needed to feel like someone was actually on my side and there for me.
"It wasn't your fault," he told me, then made a face as if that's not what he wanted to say.
"Why the face?" I asked, genuinely interested.
"Ummm, nothing," he said quickly, shaking his head. "I just.. every time I think about it, I feel more responsible as well."
I looked down at our intertwined hands in my lap, missing his touch.
"So, have the doctors said anything about you recovering?" Zach changed the subject, and I was thankful for it. We really did need to catch up, and I was willing to try this again. To try being his friend again.
"Uh, Yeah," I nodded, "Yeah, I'm starting to do physical therapy to try and get my legs used to walking again."
He smiled, "that's great."
I laughed a little, "Yeah, I wish it would work faster."
"Good things take time, Emm," Zach stated, looking proud of himself afterwards for sounding so smart.
I looked at him for a minute, a smile on my face. He was so adorable, and sweet.
"Yeah," I looked down at our hands again, "I guess so."
"Yo, Dempsey!"
We both looked up, Zach pulling his hand from mine when he saw a distraught looking Justin Foley across the lot.
"Yeah, coming," Zach told him, standing from the bench and slipping his bag over his shoulder. He gave my shoulder a squeeze before walking away to meet with Justin, who sent a glare my way before beginning his rant to Zach.
I sighed, then decided that I was going to skip school today. There was too much on my mind, and no way to stay focused on work.
I traveled to the lake a few blocks from the school, looking out at it while I thought of Hannah.

"The boys at Liberty are jerks," Hannah shrugged, throwing a rock into the lake. I looked out at the sparkling water, picking grass out of the ground and tearing it with my fingers.
"Boys everywhere are jerks," I sighed, "they think they're the shit. Have no respect for women whatsoever."
Hannah groaned, "why?"
I looked over at her. She was wearing a green beanie, and her long hair blew in the wind. She was such a beautiful and unique girl, and I was so glad to call her my best friend.
"I mean, come on," I started, "their basketball coach tells them they are the face of the school, everyone worships them; they have big egos."
Hannah nodded, "guess you're right."

It's the little things. All of the memories hurt to think of, and I don't think they will ever stop hurting.
I had taken my journal out of my bag, and began to write about Hannah. It actually turned into writing to Hannah. Telling her that I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for her when she needed me the most.